I wrote this maybe 30 years ago, 1988 maybe
It's not PC, if you have a sense of humour then you'll enjoy it
Michael G Casey email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com
Battered Husband ©
by
Michael Casey
Opening
A fat man comes down the steps from an airport lounge , he is carrying
bags , a young very attractive woman is with him . The woman is carrying a
small vanity case , while he struggles with the bags . They make there way
to the long stay car park .
Henry:The car's over here somewhere .
He waves his hand , by his voice we know he hasn't a clue .
Tracy:What colour did you say it was ?
Henry:Blue , sky blue - an estate .
After much searching they find the estate car .
Tracy:More like in a state than an estate car to me .
Henry:It's just the weather here , it has been parked for 3 weeks after
all .
Tracy:I suppose so . (Grudgingly said)
Tracy waits while he fumbles for the keys and tries juggling the luggage
as he searches his pockets .
Tracy:It might help if you put the luggage down .
Henry:Oh .
Henry puts the cases down , one belonging to Tracy with a "Las Vegas"
sticker on is put in a large puddle .
Tracy:Look out don't be so stupid , that's my best case and all .
Tracy grabs the case and rests it on the bonnet . Meanwhile Henry has
found the key but his hand is wedged in his pocket . After watching him
struggle for a while Tracy helps . She holds the outside of the pocket
down while he pulls the key out . The pocket is torn by his efforts .
Henry:Oh , never mind you can always sew it for me .
Tracy:You must be joking , I don't sew , I always got a friend to do mine
Henry:Oh , I didn't know that .
Tracy:We'll find out about each other in time , after all that's what
marriage is for .
Henry:And one or two other things . (He smirks)
Tracy:Pardon ?
Henry:Yes , my Twinky Pinky .
Tracy is annoyed by this and looks around to see if he has been heard
before she hisses a reply while giving him a laser look .
Tracy:That's our private , special words , NOT to be used in a car park .
Henry:Sorry .
Henry opens the boot , loads all the luggage before opening the drivers
door . Then he leans across to let her in . Reluctantly Tracy gets in .
Tracy:IF you were a gentleman you'd have let me in first , then put the
luggage in , or at least held the door open for me . Your an
uncivilise animal you are .
Henry:You said it was the animal in me that you liked , the first two
nights before we decided to get married .
Tracy is stunned by this remark then is about to reply when Henry pulls
off , forcing her into the back of her seat .
We watch as they drive off . (FADEOUT)
We next see them driving through a nice suburb , Tracy perks up .
Tracy:So you live around here ? (EXCITED)
Henry:Yes .
Tracy:They are all very nice houses , is yours - I mean ours , is it like
that one ?
Tracy points out an absolute mansion , Henry gulps .
Henry:Well er , you will have to wait and see .
Tracy:Go on tell me now .
Henry:No , you'll enjoy the surprise more if you wait .
Tracy:You tease .
Henry:If I remember right you said you liked being teased .
Tracy blushes , for the rest of the journey she points out houses ,
waiting for his reaction . Gradually the houses are less grand but still
nice , finally they are in a lower middle class area . They turn into a
pretty side road , Tracy is downhearted but at least the houses look nice .
Tracy:Well at least this is a nice cul de sac .
Tracy looks around trying to guess which is her new home .
Tracy:Oh look at that funny little house at the end .
Henry gulps , she does not notice , he drives up the drive .
Tracy:But , but you said you had a nice house . You said you were a man of
property .
Henry:But I am , please don't cry , everthing will be ok , just trust me .
Tracy:But you said it was .
Tracy starts to cry .
Henry:You were crying when we first met , after the oil millionaire left
you .
Tracy:But you promised .
Henry stops the engine .
Henry:Can you open the garage doors for me , then we'll go in and have a
nice cup of tea , you'll be ok then .
Tracy:You'll explain everything then ?
Henry:Promise . Then we can go to bed .
Tracy:But its only 2pm .
Henry:To sleep off the jet lag .
Henry passes her the keys and she gets out . Opening the garage doors a
pile of "Sold" and "For Sale" signs fall out . Tracy looks at him
accusingly .
Henry:Its for my work .
Tracy:What exactly do you do in property ?
Henry:Well I er , lets get inside first , its cold out here after Vegas .
Tracy:What are all these signs doing here ?
Henry:They are for my work .
Tracy:What kind of work ?
Henry:Property work .
Tracy:What do you do with them ?
Henry:I put them up , and I take them down .
Tracy:So you're a sign man .
Henry:A property sign man .
Tracy:Is that all you do .
Henry:Well property is my main concern .
Tracy:So you don't have an office or your own company .
Henry:I am self employed .
Tracy:A sign man .
Tracy moves out of the garage and trips on a "Sold" sign , Henry gets out
of the car to help her . She struggles up , and throws the sign at him .
Tracy:I've laddered my stocking now .
Tracy hitches her dress to reveal her leg , Henry oggles her . Tracy sees
this so drops the dress and marches off and lets herself into the house .
Henry starts to move the boards out of the way when there is a loud scream
from inside , he drops the boards in shock .
Fadeout
We next see them in the kitchen , Tracy has been crying her face is tear
stained . Cups of tea are in front of them .
Henry:Here have a biscuit they are your favourite .
Tracy reluctantly takes one , but spits it out straight into Henry's face
Tracy:It's stale .
She looks around the kitchen then starts to cry again . The kitchen is in
a real state , with paper peeling and washing up still in the sink from
before Henry went on holidays .
Henry:They cann't be that bad .
Henry tries the biscuits , he quite likes them , so he eats several .
Tracy:Look at the place though , you said it was beautiful , you said it
was like a palace .
Henry:Well it is .
Henry looks around then realises that she is right .
Henry:Well it used to be when I used to visit my aunt here .
Tracy:How long ago is that ?
Henry:Not long .
Tracy stares at him though her tears . After a long pause he finally
decides to tell the truth .
Henry:When I was a teenager .
Tracy's tears flow again .
Henry:But I've been only been here a while I haven't had time to do the
place up , I do work hard you know I don't have time to fix it up .
A ceiling tile comes loose and falls on his head . Tracy is cheered by
this .
Henry:Ok I'll start next week . It will be fun doing it up just the way
we like it . It will be OUR home , OUR nest .
Tracy:Promise ?
Henry:Promise .
Tracy wipes her tears away . Henry leans across the table to seal the
bargain with a kiss , only he spills the rest of her cup of tea all over
her . She jumps up .
Tracy:You idiot , it'll stain my dress , not to mention I could be scarred
for life . A dancer cann't have stains you know .
Henry:Sorry . Let me wipe it off .
Henry grabs a filthy rag from beside the mountain of washing up and daps
her down .
Tracy:Thank you . (SARCASTICALLY)
Henry:It's alright , show me your leg are you burned ?
Henry starts to lift the dress , Tracy slaps his face , and storms off to
the bathroom . She shouts over her shoulder .
Tracy:If I want tea thrown over me and you groping me then I'll tell you .
Henry:But I was only trying to help .
We hear the sound of her steps up the stairs , then a pause while Henry
wrings out the rag all over the washing up . Then the bathroom door is
slammed , several ceiling tiles fall over Henry's head in the kitchen
Henry:She'll get used to it . It will be nice having a little lady around
to help with the housework , I bet deep down she's a right homemaker
Henry starts to clear up the washing left from before the hols , he has
filled the bowl and is starting the washing up when there is a loud scream
from upstairs . He drops a plate in fright , then still clutching the mop
for cleaning cups he storms upstairs .
In the bathroom Tracy is in the bath , she is froze in terror , she is
pointing . There is a spider crawling around the edge . Henry sees this
and gulps as he is afraid of spiders too .
Henry:I'll crush it with this . (HOLDING THE WASHING UP MOP ALOFT)
Tracy:NO , it'll fall into the bath then .
Henry:What shall I do then ?
Tracy:Pick it up and flush it down the loo .
Henry:Crushing would be easier .
Tracy screams , the spider has moved . Henry summons all his strength and
half closing his eyes in terror he grabs the spider and flushes down the
toilet.
Henry:There emergency over .
Tracy:Flush it twice , and put some Domestos down .
Henry does as requested . Tracy relaxes now .
Tracy:You are brave aren't you .
Henry:Not really . (HE'S VERY PROUD OF HIMSELF)
Henry stands there not knowing what to do next . After a moment Tracy is
back to her normal self .
Tracy:What are you standing there for don't you have some washing up to
do?
Henry looks at the washing up mop in his hand .
Henry:OH yes , your leg is ok ?
Tracy:Yes thanks . (SHE IS HUMAN FOR A SECOND)
Henry:You don't want me to scrub your back?
Tracy:NO. (INDIGNANT)
Henry leaves the bathroom relantly . He stops by the door .
Henry:Is that another spider ?
Tracy:WHERE , WHERE . (IN PANIC)
Henry :Only Joking , Well I'll get back to the kitchen unless you want me
to wash your back ? (HALF HOPING)
Tracy answers by throwing the sponge in his face . (FADEOUT)
In the kitchen Henry is up a ladder just putting the last new ceiling tile
in position , he is over stretched up a ladder . Tracy comes in shaking
her hands to dry the nail varnish .
Henry:Look , one decorated kitchen , aren't you proud of me ?
He holds out his hands expansively . Tracy looks around mildly impressed
Tracy:You better give that one another push or it'll fall .
She points at one tile . Henry reaches over to give it another push while
the glue is still tacky . In doing so he over balances and has to stand in
the sink to save falling . His leg breaks all the crockery and a splash
lands on Tracy .
Tracy:Fool , look what you've done you've broken all the crockery . My
mother send it as a wedding present . And you've ruined my dress ,
I'll HAVE to have another .
Tracy wipes the tiny spot with a tea towel , only to discover Henry has
been using it to wipe the ceiling glue from his hand . Now the dress is
really ruined.
Tracy:Oh you idiot , look what you've made me do now . And I think I've
broken my best nail .
Tracy throws the tea towel in Henry's face , he grabs it and tries to
throw it back only it sticks to his hand . Tracy storms off , while Henry
dismounts from the kitchen sink with great effort and much strain to the
sink . Henry looks around at his handwork and is admiring it when Tracy
reappears .
Henry:Sorry my Twinky Pinky , but you do like the kitchen ?
Tracy:It's great , really great .
Henry moves closer and steals a kiss , Tracy allows him the one kiss .
Tracy:I've got to go out now - to buy a new dress , can you let me have
some money ?
Tracy gives him her most seductive look , Henry is smitten .
Henry:My wallet is on the settee in the living room .
Tracy:Thanks love .
She gives him a lingering kiss before leaving the kitchen , after a
moment she returns .
Tracy:Just one more thing love , could you start on the living room next ,
p l e a s e .
She gives him another kiss , Henry would climb mount Everest now with just
a washing line as a rope such is her persuasive powers . Tracy pulls away
from him , while Henry is still catching his breath the front door is
heard being slammed shut . A tile floats down onto Henry's head (FADEOUT)
Henry is in the newly decorated living room when Tracy comes in she
starts to inspect his work .
Tracy:Not bad , not bad at all . But now it makes the furniture look bad .
Henry:How do you mean ?
Tracy:Well the room looks good , very good even but the furniture doesn't
match . It's like Stepoe's now , the furniture .
Tracy looks around the room from furniture to walls and ceiling ,then back
again .
Henry:It's not that bad , besides how do you remember Steptoe , have you
been lying about your age my Twinky Pinky .
Tracy:I don't need to lie , I'm twenty-four .
Henry:But the furniture is ok .
Henry moves towards Tracy . and gives her his best "five year old" look ,
hoping she won't make him buy new furniture .
Tracy:I'm sorry but we must have new furniture , after all you do want the
best for your family .
Henry:Family ! You're not , we're not ?
Henry looks anxious and pleased .
Tracy:Certainly not . WE won't have a child till I am ready to hang up my
dancing shoes . I've got another audition soon .
Henry is visibly upset
Henry:Oh , but about the furniture can it wait a while , I mean money is
tight .
Tracy:You said you were loaded when I met you .
Henry:Well I was , I won the holiday and spending money on the back of a
slimming magazine . I was in the dentist's at the time and it must
have been the first time ever the magazines weren't ten years old .
Tracy:Be that as it may , WE must have new furniture .
Henry:But where do I get the money from , do you want me to rob a bank ?
Tracy is stumpted for a while , she looks around the room , then she
cuddles up to him , getting close for the kill . Henry is pleased that she
is close to him . Tracy allows him to kiss her , she looks at the room as
they embrace then she pulls away suddenly . Her plan is formed .
Tracy:I've got it !
Henry:Got what ! (SLIGHTLY ALARMED)
Tracy:You are really quite a good decorator .
Henry:Oh thanks . (COYLY LIKE OLIVER HARDY)
Tracy:You can go out and decorate in the evenings when you come home . You
can start on the neighbours then move further afield .
Henry:But I'm not good enough .
Tracy:You'll learn by your mistakes .
Henry:But I'm tired when I come in .
Tracy:So am I after my dance practices and my jogging and my squash and
all the reading I do .
Henry:But the furnitures ok there's no need for it , you could make covers
if you really don't like the furniture any more .
Tracy:You are forgetting one thing , I DON'T sew , if you love me you'd do
it .
Tracy puts on her best sad face , Henry gives in .
Henry:All right then but don't complain if I'm to tired to talk .
Tracy:You're not much of a talker anyway , You don't even read , I've read
over 100 Barbara Cartland books . You do promise though ?
Tracy looks him in the eye , giving her little girl lost look .
Henry:I promise .
Tracy kisses him and allows him to enjoy himself , he is getting
overheated when she pulls away .
Tracy:That can wait till later , you can take me out first .
Henry:Do we have to go out first ? (ALMOST PLEADINGLY)
Tracy:Yes , and I want to be surprised too .
Henry:Alright then .
Henry grabs her by the arm and they leave the living room . (FADEOUT)
We are in the living room when there is a sound of a car pulling up ,
doors banging and raised voices . Tracy storms into the living room
putting the lights on . She throws herself into an armchair and sulks .
Henry enters the room .
Henry:So you didn't like the Bingo ?
Silence . Henry looks at his shoes and plays with the car keys .
Henry:I thought you'd like it , we could have won some money for the house
to buy new furniture with . Or to save for some rainy day or for
when we have a family . If only you'd have waited the National Game
was on in a couple of minutes .
Tracy screams and reaches down beside the armchair and picks up a book and
throws it at him . It hits him a low blow , he snatches at the book and in
his anger is about to throw it back but thinks better of it and puts it in
his coat pocket . WE DO NOT SEE THE TITLE
Henry:Oh please Tracy , talk to me , I am sorry I just didn't think .
Tracy:That's your trouble you don't think .
Henry:I'll start the decorating . (HOPING FOR A GOOD REACTION )
Henry moves closer to where she is sitting . Tracy is silent for a moment
for a while . Then still with her back from him she speaks .
Tracy:Promise .
Henry:I promise .
Tracy:Good , because while I was pretending to be at the loo at that
horrid bingo place , I rang Mrs Toomey to say you'd start on her
living room tomorrow evening .
Henry:You sly bitch .
Tracy:If you're going to swear at me then I'M off to bed and if you ever
swear at me again then I'll go back to mother .
Tracy storms off past Henry , he is left standing in the living room alone
,patting his sides in despair he feels a lump , he remembers the book ,
taking it out he looks at it , it makes him smile so he puts it back in
his pocket . (WE DO NOT SEE THE TITLE , PERHAPS THE COVER IS DOGEARED)
Suddenly there is ,a call from upstairs .
Tracy's Voice:Well I thought you were going to surprise me !
A smiling Henry races out of the living room , the camera stays there but
we hear Henry .
Henry's Voice:Come to me my "Twinky Pinky"
Then we hear giggling form Tracy . (FADEOUT)
A paint smattered Henry comes into the kitchen , a fistfull of money in
his hand .
Henry:Mrs Toomey paid me , look .
Tracy looks up from the remains of her meal , her eyes widen at the sight
of the money .
Tracy:Great I saw a nice three piece in that new furniture shop in town .
She grabs the money and counts it .
Tracy:Not bad for three evenings work .
Henry:Hard work .
Tracy:Yes of course dear "hard work".(SHE IS STILL LOOKING AT THE MONEY)
Henry:Don't I get a kiss .
Tracy:Of course dear .
Tracy pouts but holds her body away , she doesn't want paint all over her.
Tracy:Well this will be the deposit , the other œ900 you can pay off over
a year . It's interest free credit so I know you'll approve .
Henry opens his mouth to say something but decides better of it .
Henry:Any food my Pinky Winky , I'm famished after all the decorating .
Tracy:Oh sorry I thought you'd go down the chippy , I could cook you
something only I'm due at the squash club . Besides you could do
with losing a bit of weight .
Henry:Do you have go to the squash club couldn't we just have a nice night
in ? We could cuddle up in front of the fire .
Tracy:We can do that as soon as the new furniture is here . Thanks for the
money though ; by the way can you start on Mrs Johnson's tomorrow .
Tracy gives him another peck and is off , before he can complain . Henry
heads for the fridge which is almost empty , he finds three fish fingers .
Henry:Looks like fish fingers AGAIN . (FADEOUT)
In the living room the new furniture has arrived . Tracy looks happy she
is watching Dallas , Henry tries to speak but is hushed till the credits
role .
Tracy:Yes dear , what were you going to say ? (OFF HANDEDLY)
Henry:Well , as we have got the new furniture and I'm making a bit with
the decorating do you think we should think about children ?
Tracy:I don't know about that , I mean I cann't work while I'm fat .
Henry:But you hardly work as it is , you just practice .
Tracy:I worked in Las Vegas didn't I , who knows what might happen .
Henry:But you only stood in for a few weeks when your friend was sick
while you were out there visiting .
Tracy:You know how to offend me don't you , and after all I done for you .
Henry:I'm sorry .
There is a painful silence , then Henry puts his arm around her .
Henry:Didn't you say we'd have a cuddle in front of the fire once the new
furniture was here ?
Tracy:Did I ?
Henry nibbles her ear , after a while Tracy responds . As they embrace we
hear Tracy say .
Tracy:Don't leave any marks I've an audition tomorrow . (FADEOUT)
We see Tracy in the kitchen with the ironing board out , she is ironing a
leotard - badly . Henry comes in covered paint .
Henry:I've never seen you iron before .
Tracy:I don't normally , Mrs Toomey does it I pay her a fiver a week to do
ours . Only she's out . (PANICY)
Henry:I didn't know that .
Tracy:You don't know everything . (RATTY)
Henry:You having trouble ?
Tracy:Yes , I've got a stand in job at the last moment only I need to iron
this .
Henry:Can I help you . I've done my own for years - I'm quite good .
Tracy:You ! (SURPRISED)
Henry:Move over and watch an expert .
Tracy:Wait ! You are covered in paint .
Tracy grabs a pinny and sticks it around him then makes him put on rubber
gloves too .
Tracy:Ok . Do your best , its really important to me .
Henry irons like a true natural . Tracy is amazed and jumps up like a
school girl to kiss him .
Tracy:You've saved my life .
Henry:I should iron all the time if I get such praise .
Henry hugs her again , Tracy is so relieved that she allows this . Then
looking at the kitchen clock over Henry's shoulder she pulls away .
Tracy:I must dash . See you .
Henry:I'll wait up for you .
Tracy leaves the kitchen clutching the ironed garment . After a moment she
returns .
Tracy:I've just thought , if you are so good at ironing its silly to pay
somebody , I mean it'll save œ250 a year . Oh don't bother waiting
up I'll be too tired .
With that she leaves the kitchen leaving Henry in his rubber gloves and
pinny staring at the ironing board . (FADEOUT)
Henry comes running into the house and into the living room where Tracy is
reading a Jackie Collins . He is fit to burst with his news . Tracy just
hushes him and carries on reading , hissing at him .
Tracy:Wait a bit I've nearly finished this . You don't know what it's like
finish a really good book . (SARCASTICALLY)
Henry:Actually I am reading a book , the one you threw at me . (MUMBLES)
Tracy:Oh do shut up I'm trying to concentrate .
After a while she has finished the book and she switches the tv on .
Henry:As I was about to say - I've won some money on the bingo .
Tracy appears a little interested .
Henry:œ200 to be exact .
Tracy:Well at least we can use it to buy a new bed . Ours has one cracked
leg already .
Tracy holds out her hand for the money , so Henry goes over and places it
in her hand . She gives him a peck , Henry wants more but he is pushed
away .
Tracy:Cann't you wait till later there's a film on I want to watch now .
Henry:I suppose I'll have to .
Tracy:You won't like this film its a Fred Astaire one .
Henry:I may as well do the ironing then .
Tracy:Yes do that and don't burn my knickers like you did last week .
Henry:I'll try not to .
Tracy watches the tv as Henry heads off for the ironing . (Fadeout)
The next day Henry is sitting in his car a sandwich box on the passenger
seat and a book open over the wheel .
Henry:She never shows her feelings , I think I'm a skivy sometimes .
He reaches into his lunch box and takes out a sandwich under the sandwich
is a note , so he opens it .
Henry:"You burnt my knickers again , so buy me some more" (READ ALOUD)
What does she except with those ones , she does insist I iron
everything , even her most delicate stuff .
He is about to put the note down when he sees the P.S.
Henry:"P.S. You can choose the colour as I only wear them for you - love
Twinky Pinky"
Henry smiles and puts the note in his shirt pocket next to his heart .
Henry:There are some compensations for being married to her , even though
I am always tired - what with all the decorating and the ironing .
It would be nice to have a family though but she says she not ready
yet she just wants to try being a dancer for a few more years yet .
He finishes his sandwich then with a sigh pulls out and drives away
(FADEOUT)
Henry is is the living room doing the ironing while watching the snooker
when Tracy bursts in wearing sports gear.
Tracy:You've got to help me Henry , you've just got to .
Henry:What's up ?
Tracy:I was at the squash club when I had a game with this man , only he
turned out to be the owner , only I didn't know . Well I beat him ,
then he told me if I could beat him again he'd give me a job .
Henry:But what about your dancing ?
Tracy:I'm getting to old now , I mean I'm 25 next month . Besides we need
the money if we're going to have a new roof put on the house and
have it rendered .
Henry:What new roof ? I didn't know we were having a new roof .
Tracy:Well we have got to have one and new wiring . Especially if we have
a family .
Henry:You mean , you , I mean us , I mean you , I mean a baby . (EXCITED)
Tracy:Certainly not , I'm not ready for wrinkles yet !
Henry:Oh . But how can I help ?
Tracy looks at her watch then starts to undress , while walking out of the
living room and into the hall with Henry following .
Tracy:We haven't much time , we will have to hurry .
She is trailing her clothes behind her .
Henry:But but but what has this , us , well Twinky Pinky how will this
get you a job ?
Tracy:By you washing and ironing while I have a bath .
With that we see her knickers thrown in Henry's face as she dashes
upstairs to the bathroom . Henry picks up the other items of sports wear
and heads back for the kitchen and his washing machine . He is stopped in
his tracks by a scream .
Tracy' Voice:Help there's a spider ! (SCREAM)
Henry:Pick it up and flush it twice and don't forget the Domestos .
Tracy's Voice:Help , Help , Help oh please my Tumble Tum .
Henry's ears prick up on hearing "Tumble Tum"
Henry:Just a moment Twinky Pinky I'll get the new improved domestos .
We view Henry dash from the hall then return with a giant Domestos and the
washing up mop ,then dash up the stairs .There are sounds of battle with
the spider then we hear the voices again , all heard while the camera
views the hall .
Tracy's voice:Tumble Tum , my hero .
Henry's voice:Twinky Pinky .
Tracy's voice:Tumble Tum you are so brave .
There is silence for a moment , then an enormous splash , some water
trickles down the stairs . Then there are giggles . Then silence .
Tracy's voice :This would be much more fun if we had a jacoozi . (FADEOUT)
Henry comes rushing in all excited , he finds Tracy as ever in front of
the tv watching Dallas , with a Jackie Collins open besides her .
Henry:I've won again , look I've won .
He holds out a wad of notes , he is smiling from ear to ear .
Tracy:Hold on a minute , JR is about to win at Blackjack , there he's won
$50,000 .(SHE POINTS TO THE TV) Now how much did you win ?
Henry:œ500 , look ! (HE WAVES THE MONEY ABOUT ) .
Tracy:Very good dear , you better give it to me , its just enough for a
microwave I saw the other day , I'm not saying your cooking is bad
but a microwave will help it I'm sure.
Henry hands over the money , Tracy puts it in her book and closes it ,
then she resumes her religious observances (ie.Watching Dallas) . After a
while Dallas ends .
Tracy:Well I better be off to bed then , there's nothing any good on the
box nowadays and I've read enough for today . (SHE GETS UP AND
SWITCHES OFF THE TV) Goodnight Henry , and try not to wake me up
when you go to bed .
Henry:All right then , I suppose I may as well do some ironing then .
Tracy goes to bed , Henry goes and does some ironing . We time lapse to
show that he has done a load of ironing (Mainly Tracy's) He has the book
that Tracy threw at him on the ironing board he reads as he irons. There's
a cry of "Henry , oh Henry I'm bored " from Tracy upstairs .
Henry goes to the foot of the stairs and shouts
Henry:I thought you were going to sleep .
Tracy's Voice:But I'm not tired enough .
Henry:Try reading a book .
Tracy Voice:Oh Henry . (PLEADINGLY)
Henry looks to heaven in despair and turns back to go to the kitchen to
resume his ironing , but a call stops him in his tracts .
Tracy's Voice:Oh Tumble Tum , Twinky Pinky needs you .
Henry:England expects that every man shall due his duty . (MUMBLES)
Henry races up the stairs .
Henry:Tumble Tum to the rescue .
We next see Henry and Tracy in bed after Tumble Tum has done his duty .
Henry is smiling but in a state of shock , Tracy has her back to him and
is reaching for a book to read .
Tracy:Perhaps I'll finish this book before I go to sleep .
Tracy starts to read ,Henry is still in a state of shock , after reading
for a while and turning over to the next page Tracy looks over her
shoulder at Henry .
Tracy:Haven't you got something better to do ? Such as the ironing .
Henry:What dear ? (STILL IN SHOCK , THOUGH IT IS HAPPY SHOCK)
Tracy:Aren't you going to finish the ironing ?
Henry:What dear .
Tracy:The ironing . (SHE TURNS OVER TO FACE HIM)
Henry:Oh the ironing . (HE SAYS THE WORDS BUT DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THEM)
Tracy:Go and finish the ironing !
With that she kicks him out of bed and as he staggers away she resumes her
reading . We hear Henry croak "I'll just finish the ironing" , then from
the view of Tracy still reading we hear a crash as he falls down stairs .
Henry's Voice:It's ok I'm fine . (FAINT AND IN PAIN)
Tracy:Sush , I'm at the climax now .
With a flourish Tracy closes the book and switches off the bedside lamp ,
in the background we hear Henry moaning (Fadeout)
Henry is in his car with the book across the wheel and his sandwich box on
the passenger seat .
Henry:I won on the bingo again and what does she do , she takes the money
and buys a microwave . (HE IS UPSET)
He has another sandwich before continuing with his "Self Lecturing" .
Henry:I think she takes me for granted , after all I do for her , well I'm
not going to stand for it any longer , I'm going to tell her that
I'm the man about the house and its about time she played the woman
and did some housework and had some kids . I'll be drawing my old
age pension before she decides she's ready for kids . Well things
have to change and change now .
He closes his lunch box defiantly . Then pulls out sharply , all the
"sold" signs rattle in the back . In voice over we hear him say .
Henry's Voice:Yes things will change ,but first I'll post my pools coupon
I'll have to stop off at the lingerie shop too - I burnt her
knickers again . (FADEOUT)
Henry comes running into the house all happy, Tracy is waiting for him in
the kitchen .
Tracy:What do you think you are playing at ? Look at this mess in here .
Henry has not done the washing up , the ironing is not done either .
Henry:But , but I can explain I have some great news . I've won some money
Tracy:That's no excuse . I've off to the squash club now and if this mess
is not cleared up then they'll be trouble .
Henry:But I've won some money .
Tracy:Good , hand it over then .
She holds out her hand .
Henry:I haven't got it yet , but its a lot . I'll know how much in a few
days , we can start a family now .
Tracy:Don't be disgusting , I'm not getting all wrinkled up at my age .
Henry:But Twinky Pinky . (PLEADINGLY)
Tracy:Don't you Twinky Winky me , just tidy up this mess . And if you've
won so much money then we'll carpet the spare rooms , its the last
day of the carpet sale tomorrow . So you can pull up the old carpet
tonight then we'll get the new one fitted tomorrow .
She walks away in triumph , Henry is left open-mouthed . Tracy suddenly
turns back .
Tracy:One other thing , try not to burn my knickers with the iron .
Henry:I'll do my best .(DEFEATED) (FADEOUT)
Tracy comes back to the house late , she goes into the kitchen for a glass
of milk only to find all her knickers burnt , a iron shape on each .
She is livid .
Tracy:Henry , where are you horribly little fat slob ? (ENRAGED)
She searches for him but does not find him , in a state she does to the
bathroom and slams the door . We hear her inside pouring the water for a
bath then getting in .
Tracy's Voice:I'll ring his neck the idle good for nothing , he'll give me
blood pressure he will , and after all I've done for him .
Downstairs the front door slams open and Henry , a very pissed Henry comes
in carrying a shoebox .
Tracy's Voice:Is that you Henry , is that you ?
Henry:Yes Twinky Pinky , your lover , your husband , your Twinky Pinky is
home , I bring great gifts for you , I'm rich , I'm so very rich .
Tracy's Voice:You sound so different , so manly , (PAUSE) are you drunk ?
Henry:Yes drunk with your beauty , with your charms , with your love .
Tracy's Voice:If you're drunk then you can sleep on the settee .
Henry climbs the stairs cradling the shoebox and busts into the bathroom
Tracy screams .
Henry:Behold I bring you a present .
Tracy:I've got seventeen pairs of shoes already . You don't think I'm
going to forgive you for burning my knickers just for a bribe of a
pair of shoes . And I bet you haven't pulled the carpet up .
Henry:But these shoes are special .
With that he lunges forward and nearly falls in the bath as he opens the
shoebox . Out pour lots of spiders .
Tracy:NO , NO , PLEASE NO .
Henry:Don't you like your present Twinky Winky , Tumble Tum spent hours
looking for them .
Tracy has a screaming fit , then grabbing a towel she jumps out of the
bath and heads for the bedroom , In getting out of the bath she knocks
Henry in . So a drenched Henry follows her along the corridor and hammers
on the bedroom door .
Henry:It's me , Tumble Tum Your Lord and Master . Haven't you got a kiss
for me , my little Twinky Winky .
Tracy's Voice:Go away you horrid man , you burnt all my knickers then you
frighten me to death with those spiders .
Henry:But I'll make amends , come I'll pull up the carpet , come and
watch .
Tracy's Voice:Go away you horrid little fat man , go away .
Henry is enraged he knocks the door off its hinges and drags her out of
bed . He takes her to the spare room .
Henry:Look I'll pull up the carpet .
Henry pulls up the carpet , he stands heaving and sweating and glaring
looking at Tracy .
Henry:Satisfied ? (SHOUTED)
Tracy:You are a silly little fat man , I don't want to see you ever again
She turns her back on him and adds over her shoulder .
Tracy:Your treatment of me tonight is possible grounds for divorce .
Henry:Divorce but I'm your husband .
Tracy turns to face him .
Tracy:You are a monster .
Henry:Monster am I , then I'll behave like one .
With that he lunges at her and throws her to the ground . Tracy cowers not
knowing what he'll do next . There is an pause for a moment then Henry
rushs for her or so it seems . IN fact what Henry does in roll her up in
the carpet then carry her downstairs while she is screaming all the time .
Henry then takes her and the carpet out of the house and throws his burden
into a skip that is over the road . Then he goes back inside the house .
(FADEOUT)
We next see Henry Watching the TV with the remains of a good meal on a
tray besides him . Henry now sports a moustache , there is a book beside
him , he's been reading the same book for ages . Tracy comes into the
living room , she is all fawning , she clears up his tray . Then like a
flunky she waits to be allowed to speak .
Henry:Just a moment , I've nearly finished this book .
He closes the book , finished he is very proud of himself .
Henry:What was it Tracy ?
Tracy:Well I've got little Henry back to sleep and I've fed the twins , so
I was wondering , well you know . (SHE PAUSES) . Twinky Winky wants
her Tumble Tum . (COYLY)
Henry:You have ironed my boxer shorts ?
Tracy:Twinky Winkly has done everything O mighty Tumble Tum .
Henry looks at his watch , before he answers .
Henry:Match of the Day is not on for a bit so Tumble Tum is the man that
likes to say YES !
Tracy:Oh Tumble Tum !
Henry:Oh Twinky Winky !
We pan back from the settee and just see garments being disgarded , and
Henry throws his book away .
Henry:And you said I'd never read a book .
Tracy:And I said I didn't want children .
Henry:I think we should try for 15 then we can have our own rugby team .
Tracy:I'm not having more than 6 .
Henry:Let's try for 15 but only have 6 .
Tracy:You are naughty .
Henry:Naughty but nice .
To the sounds of giggles we pan back , we now see the one book Henry has
managed to read . It is "Battered Husband" by Michael James . We pan out
further till we see the outside of the house , there are 3 Rolls outside
the registrations are "Tracy" , "Henry" and "Battered Husband" .
To sounds of Tracy and Henry the credits roll .
WE COULD DO WHAT JERRY LEWIS DID IN ONE FILM AND PAN OUT EVEN FURTHER TO
SHOW THE CREW BUT PERHAPS THAT WOULD TAKE THE JOKE TOO FAR .
The End
