for my Polish, Ukrainian and Russian readers especially
but first of all a ghost story from Poland
Lech The Altar Boy and The Ghost ©
By Michael Casey
Lech was an altar boy in Cracow, this writer was an altar boy too but that was in Birmingham in the 1960s and 1970s, they do have one thing in common and that was Ghosts. Lech was big and strong and he’d punch anybody who said serving Mass was for mothers’ boys, he had a Faith as strong as he was. And besides he liked dressing up and carrying candles, it was fun and was very theatrical, especially the orb thing that you put charcoal in and the priest adds incense to, they you get to shake it all about. It was a kind of very smelly high, smoke everywhere.
Lech was always the last boy to finish after the Mass or Benediction or the Funeral or whatever it was, because Fr. Thomas also shared a cigarette with him when nobody was looking. Fr. Thomas had been in the Missions and had come home to Cracow to die, he had picked up a few diseases while abroad and as Cracow had a good hospital the Bishop brought him home to serve in a small church so Fr. Thomas could be close to a hospital. The Bishop also happened to be Fr. Thomas’s friend from 50 years before when they were at school together. Fr. Thomas had beaten a bully, in fact he had knocked seven shades of, well you know the next word, so no need to say it. So Fr. Thomas had saved the future Bishop and that’s why they became friends.
Lech reminded Fr. Thomas of himself, a big strong lad who was afraid of nothing, so that’s why they shared a cigarette when both should not. Fr. Thomas knew Lech would never be a priest, he’d be a father sure, but not a Fr. more like a father of 10. Lech was a magnet for girls, girls of all ages, 16 to 160 years old, they all thought he was so pretty, he’d tempt anybody even some of the statues of the saints scattered around the church.
It was just after Lech and Fr. Thomas had finished their cigarette one Thursday evening that Fr. Thomas collapsed, Lech caught him in his arms and saw the life slip away from him. Fr. Thomas gasped for breath but as he was dying he said “if I was a father a real father, you would have been the perfect son for me, just promise me you’ll give up smoking” Lech promised he’d give up the cigarettes and Fr. Thomas died with a smile on his lips. Fr. Thomas had died a “father”, with a son called Lech who was as big as and as strong as an Ox.
Fr. Thomas’s funeral stopped Cracow, everybody came , priests galore, and everybody had a good time, Lech was the chief altar boy and he was given the honour of reading the passage from the Bible about Lazarus being raised from the dead and Jesus cried for his friend.
After the burial all the were gathered around chatting, and having a crafty smoke, priest and nurses are devils for a cigarette, but you know that already. Lech was going to join in, but he could hear a voice in his head, promise me you’ll never smoke, it was almost as if Fr. Thomas was standing behind him. He had the cigarette lit in his hand, so instead he stubbed it out and put it in his pocket.
At times of stress or sadness, we may all hear or see voices or shadows, or echoes or reflections, its normal when your mum dies, or when your favourite dog dies, you may hear it bark and so on. In Lech’s case whenever he reached for a cigarette he could hear Fr. Thomas’s voice, he could hear him asking him to promise not to smoke.
Once he looked up from the cigarette in his hand and he thought he could see Fr. Thomas’s, reflection in the presbytery’s kitchen window, he spun around only nobody was there. If it was cannabis he could have explained it, but since Fr. Thomas’s death he had kept his promise not to smoke, he had always heard Fr. Thomas’s voice in his head just as he was about to put any cigarette of any kind to his lips.
This went on for 2 years, he could light a cigarette but as soon as he was about to put it to his lips the Voice the Advice from a Dead Priest was in his head. Finally he threw his cigarette lighter into the river that ran through Cracow, only as he was so angry at the dead priest he miss-threw it and it hit a girl on the side of her head and she fell in the street.
Karolina was her name and she was a nurse who smoked like the devil, or she did till Lech picked her up from the gutter in the street. She was so angry, yet so beautiful, wouldn’t you be if an oaf, an ox had hit you with a cigarette lighter. Lech took out his dirty snotty handkerchief and held it against her head to stop the bleeding. As he apologised he looked into Karolina’s eyes and she looked into his, what would you do if you were a Polish girl from Cracow and a huge hunk was looking into your eyes. Well tell me, tell me right now, or I’ll stop the story. STOP.
Ok, I stopped the story while I had a drink of water, Girls have you made up YOUR mind, what would you do to Lech? She battered him, but all the time he held his dirty snotty handkerchief to her wound, he had to stop the bleeding after all. Then she laughed and laughed, then she kissed him more and more. Only a fool would behave in such a fashion taking everything she threw at him, be it blows or kisses but all the time holding a filthy rag at her face to stop the bleeding.
The church was still open so Lech suggested they go back and she could wash her face. He also said she could go to confession to ask for forgiveness for beating him, then they started laughing again. It turned out she was single and that her boyfriend had dumped her when he found out just before getting engaged that she could not have children. Lech was angry and cursed him whoever he was, he even offered to beat the living daylights out of him. Karolina lost her heart to him at that very second.
In church one of the confessionals had a light on so Karolina went inside to have Confession while Lech went to find the first aid kit. Cracow confessions are very quick, to the point and quick. Inside the priest said all you have to do is give up smoking, and then you’ll find a husband. Lech is a nice boy Karolina. I absolve you, and for your penance you must promise never to beat your husband Lech again. Karolina was dumbfounded, how did the priest know all about it.
Lech came back with the first aid kit and tended to Karolina’s wounds, she said you have to go to confession now I’ve just been, so after putting a final plaster on her hear Lech went to Confession. Lech was about to confess when he heard the familiar voice of Fr. Thomas telling him he should marry Karolina, but he should stop throwing cigarette lighters about or he could really hurt somebody. As for having children, Michael Casey the Birmingham writer who translates into Polish, well he asked Padre Pio for a wife and children, but he left it all up top God. So Lech just leave it all up to God.
Lech left the confessional as white as a sheet, as if he had seen a ghost. He looked at Karolina, I will marry you and we will leave it up to God to see if we have children. Karolina got up from her seat and pointed, Lech spun around and there was Fr. Thomas was walking into the sacristy, he was arm in arm with another Cracow priest, Karol was his name in life.
Lech and Karolina got married as soon has her wound was healed on her head. She only ever had two pregnancies, triplets, three girls, then quads four boys, making 7 children in all. Because when asked in the Bible how many times you should forgive, 7 times? NO 77x 7 times. Karolina forgave him 7 times, and that was enough for both of them.
***** this story could be likened to a K drama which I love****
Worth more than Vodka ©
By
Michael Casey
Now some things are worth more than Gold, like friendship, or a gun if you are a hunter, but to be worth more than Gold? For Lech, Boris and Gregorgi for anything to be worth more than Vodka? They were visiting me the other day, they said it was just to see if I was looking after Totoro the cat properly. They had a new still in Warley Woods, so to kill to birds with one stone they popped by. Their friend at NASA who knew Esther’s son the satellite guy, he’d started to send them texts with news from the stills. Some billion dollar technology, being used to make sure the Vodka was just right. Don’t ask me how, ask that nice lady Dr who created the Smiley image of a Black Hole. Only somebody as bright as her could explain, I cannot, the only black hole I know I’m sitting on.
So the boys stocked up my cupboards with enough soup and beans to last a siege, then whistling Tchaikovsky they were gone. They were gone until darkness fell, they were panting, and Lech had something under his sheepskin. It was a baby with the umbilical still attached. Quick ring a doctor, he almost looked scared. I reached for the phone, but at that very moment Nurse Vicky came in for a cup of tea. Vicky was a retired midwife, sometimes God sends you things. Put him back under your coat she ordered. Then she grabbed tin foil from the kitchen and a pair of my old winter long johns. Then she wrapped the baby and ordered Lech to resume his warming.
I’ll call the ambulance now, the child looks ok, but what about the mother, she could be bleeding to death somewhere. Where did you find the baby? In the woods. So the mother could be in danger? Asked Lech, Boris and Gregorgi their Slav sense of family coming to the fore. We have to go, to look for the mother. They headed for the door, Vicky interrupted, the mother could be anywhere, but you forgot one thing. Give me the baby now. So Lech carefully passed the baby to Vicky who then it against her own enormous bosoms, and smothered the newborn in love and warmth.
The blue flashing light of the ambulance flashed outside, the boys disappeared over my back garden fence. This is more important than any vodka, we must find the mother. The warmth from the still had saved the baby, but now the mother must be found, the mother must be found. Their NASA friend sent texts but they had never replied, that was the deal. But now in their Black Hole of worry for the mother, they just had to. But what message should they send, could they send?
Three Kings looking for Mary. He’d understand he was clever. So they texted it. Three Kings looking for Mary. The baby was safe and warm at City Hospital, what Vicky had forgotten was more than most knew. The baby was called Michael, she didn’t tell me, but as it was a boy and it was my house, so it was small Michael. The Police said the mother could be lost in the woods, but was probably long gone, so no search till daylight, just in case.
For the boys, NOW means NOW, they were all fathers, what if it were one of their daughters? They had to look, they had to look. They were Slavs, a daughter in trouble had to be loved, had to be loved. At Nasa a message to a restricted number flags up big time. All the Spy agencies were on the case. And what did Three Kings looking for Mary mean?
Their friend knew immediately, it’s my 3 friends from school back in the Homeland where Russia/Poland and Ukraine make love on the map. They are looking for a mother obviously. Who is Mary then? Mary was a new mother, so they are looking for a new mother. But why look for a new mother? Probably because because they found her baby. It’s an abandoned baby. It must be that. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi knew he was clever, he did work for Nasa after all.
Lech’s phone rang, it was Nasa. Could their friend help find the mother. Their friend looked at array of top Nasa and spy agency people looking at him. Well I left the East to work here, prove to me you have a heart. The man in the suit took out his phone and showed a picture of a new born. This is my first granddaughter she was born yesterday in England. The man in the suit said two words. DO IT!
And that is how billion dollar satellites were used to find Mary and help the Three Kings bring her offerings. As the woods were dark and only heat would show up in space the new super dupper satellite was tested. It spotted the bulk of the boys easily. A search area and grid pattern was assigned and the satellites put to work. The girl from the Black Hole discovery teams poked her head around the corner, what’s going on. They told her, so she found a space and opened her laptop and did some space magic.
A few foxes in woods were spotted and a few stray birds flying past. But what if “Mary” the mother had fallen, her signature wood be smaller. The lady Dr worked away at her laptop. Lech Boris and Gregorgi were hunting frantically but not very successfully. They found a bloody bag and waved to space then phoned in the news. This was added to the plot. This went on for two hours the woods were so big after all. Saint Jude help us screamed Lech and Boris with Gregorgi echoing their prayers.
In the Space Station the Russian crew told the rest what was going on, they all said Saint Jude’s prayer. Friends in higher places were needed. Then not one, two, three or four, but five sparks of life and light came up from Space, including the Space Station. Saint Jude does not mess about.
The Black Hole Dr Lady jumped up, there she pointed at the wall size screen. In Polish/Russian and Ukrainian the Nasa people and Spooks screamed instructions to Lech, Boris and Gregorgi. The Three Kings have found Mary flashed all over the world’s satellites. The old joke used to be why did the Americans get to the Moon first, they had more German scientists than the Russians. But now, but now the Three Kings from the East had found Mary lost in the woods.
The girl really did need medical attention, and her name really was Mary. The Spy people had a helicopter on standby and Lech, Boris and Gregorgi waved and it descended into the black hole and took her back to the light. But what about their still, it would be lost, and the Police would be nosey etc. GCHQ in England knew what was going on, that’s their job, Prince William will tell you that if ever you meet him by the coffee machine. As luck would have it the new head of GCHQ was call Havis McTavish from a very long line of Scottish Whisky makers. Do you think he’d let anybody know what had happened the night before. I should cocoa, I repeat I should cocoa. GCHQ slapped a D notice with a 30 year rule on everything.
Nobody or nothing would ever know what happened. A man had found a baby and given it to Michael Casey the fat silver haired writer in shades from Birmingham,the one in England. His dear friend Vicky a midwife had taken it to hospital. Then another man out walking his dog had found the mother. Full Stop, Period as the Americans say. Or as Intelligence sources say. MIND YOU OWN BUSINESS.
There is a p.s. to this story. The man in the suit came to England to see his new grandchild and obviously he’s so high up he gets Police escort. The Police handed him, a brown paper bag with a 2 litre bottle of fresh Vodka in it. Tied to the bottle on a luggage label was written in Polish/Ukrainian and Russian, with love from The Three Kings and baby Michael. I heard that Havis McTavis from GCHQ also got one, Prince William told me at the coffee machine, he delivered it personally.
Lech, Boris and Gregorgi Save Christmas ©
By
Michael Casey
The cousins had decided to buy and trade a few old Army Surplus materials. Putin has updated his army so there was a lot of old kit being thrown away. So obviously the enterprising cousins decided this was their chance. There were all kinds of everything for sale at rock bottom prices, such as Arctic gear, and even parachutes and an ancient flame thrower or two. Junk to you or me, but to the cousins it was an opportunity.
Sometime what is discarded becomes the most important thing, like a broken heart healed by love, or the dream of a dead mother on the feast of Saint Francis, that comes to heal and strengthen. But I’m talking about the Slav cousins, and their wives just laughed at them, they were just so stupid, but that made them love them the more. So as the wives sharpened their knives ready for the Christmas preparations, which meant death for some of the animals, but it for good purpose, to celebrate the feast of Christmas.
Amongst the junk was an old military radio or two, so the cousins’ children were allowed top play with one. To their surprise they were able to contact some other children, so soon there was a radio friendship. It turned out that they had discovered School 76 in Novablizt, which was a fair distance from where they all lived. It was a boarding school for children of army officers, really they should not be talking to outsiders. But it was a military frequency on an old channel, so that’s how the wall came down.
As Lech, Boris and Gregorgi rummaged through their treasure their children were enjoying the radio. It turned out that the parents of School 76 were in reality Space Engineers, they would not say more than that, but it was interesting to say the least. Now Christmas was approaching fast and the cousins had managed to sell boots and coats and the like, so they were content, they had at least made some money. There was the Christmas feast on the horizon and their wives were glowing, happy and so deeply in love. However when all the cousins’ children explained all the anticipated fun and love that they would have to the children of School 76 they were met with sadness.
You see at School 76 the parents would be working far away, launching satellites into space for the highest bidder. Christmas was lost to them, duty came first, if only they got to see a fake Santa, it would be fun amongst all the books. Now Lech, Boris and Gregorgi were saddened when they heard this, Christmas without even a fake Saint Nicolas, this was too much.
Their wives looked at them and all the children looked at them. We need to talk to your fathers said the three mothers. So the three mothers took the three cousins to the 3 bedrooms. It is always best to discuss things in a comfortable environment. 6 hours later, the mothers emerged smiling, and the cousins emerged too. It had been decided, the 3 mothers would sacrifice their 3 cousin husbands for Christmas. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi would bring Christmas to School 76.
Now School 76 is not on any map as it was classed as Military even though it was just a boarding school. So a map reference was sent and Lech marked it on a map with Rudolf’s nose, that was all the map they would need. They loaded their snow plough with items they might need, and what could they bring the students? Boiled eggs painted and some English chocolate, Cadburys of course, and some Oranges. There was some vodka too, but that was for any stray teachers or caretakers. It was the thought that counted, there would not be any other gifts as such, or so was the plan. You see the school was in a remote area and Lech, Boris and Gregorgi may have to walk in the last leg.
When School 76 heard the news they erupted. They would not only get one fake Santa but three. Carols erupted from School 76, but the could not tell the teachers, the caretaker staff as it was still technically called a Military establishment. So with a final kiss to their wives, who were probably pregnant by now, what do you think they were doing for 6 hours, knitting? So Lech, Boris and Gregorgi set off to bring Christmas to School 76. As they dove away a fancy 4x4 passed in the opposite direction, paths had been crossed.
In the 4x4 was Mikhail Mikhailovich who you will remember was the Spaceman who had a visit from the Archangel Saint Michael, by sheer chance he was driving through Lech, Boris and Gregorgi’s village.Now there is no such thing as coincidence, there is only the will of God. Mikhail Mikhailovich went into the inn and had some food and a rest, he was going to plough on and get home for Christmas himself but then the Heavens opened and it was a Whiteout, a mountain of snow had fallen. So he just knew he’s be spending Christmas there, Mikhail Mikhailovich was soon telling tales and enjoying all the company. His eyes popped open wide when he heard what Lech, Boris and Gregorgi were up to, he had studied at School 76 himself in his youth before he became the world’s greatest Cosmonaut and then the world’s greatest storyteller.
I actually drove past them, will they be safe? They are like Polar Bears replied the three wives, besides we’ll kill them if they don’t come back, as they brandished their knives. Besides we are all pregnant so they will not abandon an unborn baby at Christmas. How many weeks are you pregnant asked Mikhail Mikhailovich? About 15 hours not weeks came the proud reply.Mikhail Mikhailovich blushed, this was like one of his stories, but true.
Mikhail Mikhailovich took out his satellite phone and recited another story so that Radio Russia would have a new story over Christmas. Then the military radio crackled, it was Lech, Boris and Gregorgi. Well we are 20k short of our destination, the snow plough cannot go any further so we will walk. We have skis and a sledge, it will be fun. Everybody looked out the window and saw the snow, it was deadly dangerous.Mikhail Mikhailovich took the microphone, hello I’m Mikhail Mikhailovich can I help in any way? We love stories replied the 3 in unison. I was meaning help in getting to your destination? We think we will be ok, we have vodka to keep us warm and multiple layers too, we have got old USSR army kit, so we should be just fine.
Mikhail Mikhailovich looked about him, these fine people deserved their own Archangel, so he took out his satellite phone. In seconds he was talking to Chuck from the USA, his friend Tim Peak who was back in space again, and Petrov a fine Russian cosmonaut. Mikhail Mikhailovich was talking to the Heavens Above AKA the Space Station. Hello guys, do you want to test that new thing you have. In seconds it was decided, it was a method of tracking Polar Bears, but now it would be tracking 3 polar bears called Lech, Boris and Gregorgi.
The only problem was their was no radio tracking device on a collar, just a vintage USSR radio. Looking around again, Mikhail Mikhailovich rung his good friend Esther, the mother of the zillionaire space satellite magnate. Shalom he began, and then Mikhail Mikhailovich explained, Esther would help he knew it. Ester put her cards down she was playing poker in Vegas, the winner chose which Charity got the pot, 10million had been raised just through her poker habit, if you can remember back to the Malta story. A phone rang in the situation room at the Pentagon, the ring tone was If I were a Rich Man sung by Topol, an actual one off recording just for a ring tone.If you are zillionaire then you can have such things.Sorry said the zillionaire turning to General Jim Mathis, mom insisted on the ring tone. In seconds all was explained and Esther went back to her poker, she wanted to win.
The zillionaire looked around, I wasn’t going to show you this yet, but a friend wants a favour. So with General Jim Mathis looking on the zillionaire brought up the satellite image. It was not perfect but through the snow Lec, Boris and Gregorgi could be made out. We’re guiding them through the snow to School 76. So the zillionaire spoke to Mikhail Mikhailovich and then he guided the three cousins.
In deep deep snow they went up and down and around and around , and this way and that way, leaving a trail as they dragged their sledge. High in space the zillionaire and brought a couple of other satellites into play, it was Christmas after all, they were not the three Magi, but they had friends in high places, very high places. But then disaster, the radio broke down, at minus 20 even a thirty year old USSR radio had to come to the end of their life.
All we can do is watch and pray, said General Jim Mathis as he looked up from the book Esther had sent him, first edition of a Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens.So watching from on high they all watched and prayed. Three cousins, Lech, Boris and Gregorgi would go around and around until the cold killed them. From space they tracked their route, then the zillionaire spotted a pattern. Marked in the snow was PAX VOBISCOM, or Peace Be With You. Then through the snow the satellite could see a sledge drawn by enormous reindeer, there was a giant of a man on board. The giant waved at the sky as if he knew the satellites were all watching him.
Santa Claus himself had come to rescue them, if the Archangel Saint Michael had saved Mikhail Mikhailovich why shouldn’t Santa Claus save three Slav heroes called Lech,Boris and Gregorgi. And that is how Christmas was saved by Lech, Boris and Gregorgi or rather how Santa Claus saved them. School 76 had the best Christmas ever, 3 fake Santas plus the real thing. Now if you think this story is far fetched, just watch Norad track Santa this and every Christmas. And if you still don’t believe me, why are there photos of the Real Father Christmas locked in General Jim Mathis’ safe with a signed copy of a Christmas Carol on top. Marked 25 levels higher than TOP SECRET.
Lech,
Boris and Gregorgi come in from the Cold ©
By
Michael Casey
Now
it’s hard when building work goes on and there is dust everywhere,
when there is cursing galore, and that is just from mom and dad.
Builders blush when they overhear such language, but building is a
blessed thing, blessed with plenty of cursing. Anastasia was visiting
family in the village, when she had a phone call from her granddad,
the builders had let him down, now all he had was dust everywhere.
This made her own problem small beer, she had bought a brand new car
for herself as a graduation present, but it broke down repeatedly.
The dealership just laughed at her and called her little Russian
Princess. Now as Lech’s, Boris’s and Gregorgi’s wives chopped
meat their blood boiled.
Anastasia’s
granddad was Denis Nellis, he was very very old now, but when he was
very very young he was a sailor on the Artic Convoy to Russia, after
the war he married the sister of a Polish Battle of Britain pilot. So
he was a man of great bravery, who should be honored and as he had a
connection to the village through marriage he was FAMILY. The boys’
wives sharpened their knives, but Anastasia said the Pen is Mightier
than the sword, and far far sharper, with a wicked smile. The boys’
wives agree as they did some target practice on the back of the
kitchen door.
But
where were the boys, where were Lech, Boris and Gregorgi? The Summer
of 2018 was so terrible hot, some like it hot, as they say, but
Gregorgi had a friend who owned a former Russian nuclear submarine,
he had bought it in an army or navy surplus sale. He ran trips to the
North, the far North, ½ way to the North Pole. Ice Station Zebra and
all that. Some of the crew had gone sick, so Gregorgi had persuaded
Lech and Boris to come and have an adventure, or were they little
girls? So the three of them found themselves on an ice shelf playing
football. The new or rather ex Soviet winter warmer clothes were
being sold to the tourists as Lech, Boris and Gregorgi larked about
on the ice. The pay was very good after all, and it was in US
dollars, perfect, what more did they want.
Their
wives could bear it no longer, they dug out the old SW set and
setting it to the emergency frequency they sent a message to the
North Pole. Come home the dinner is getting cold, family matter to
attend to. That was all it said, signed 3 wives. Now the American’s
went mad trying to work out what it meant. The Russian’s wanted to
know what it meant too. Only the British knew what it really meant.
You see Anastasia had a secret, she had just signed on to work for
GCHQ, so she had told them about her holiday plans, and having Denis
Nellis as a relative had swung the interview for her, that and having
a Double First from Downing Cambridge. Or the University of Monty
Python as some card in recruitment called it, you see Downing was
where John Cleese went, and Michael Winner and this writer’s
brother.
Lech,
Boris and Gregorgi worried for a full minute, before finishing off
the submarine’s supply of vodka, their wives could look after
themselves, they knew how to use knives and riffles. So as the
icicles melted from them they enjoyed their vodka, the trip had been
a success and they’d been invited to join the regular crew roster.
When
they got home to the village their wives feed them well and took them
to bed. They had to make sure everything still worked after the cold
of the North Pole. In the morning their wife’s gave them the
Eastern look, they explained about Denis Nellis and Anastasia. Then
Anastasia explained about the builder saying her grandad would have
to face facts and surrender to reality. The car company has said the
same, just surrender to life. Now Gregorgi started to twitch, you
never say Surrender to a Russian, after what those Nazi bastards did.
Lech and Boris weren’t happy either, this was Family. The Scots
never say surrender too, go ask the Black Watch if you don’t
believe me.
There
was just enough time to finish all the food their wives had prepared
while they were at the North Pole, then they made love to their wives
10 more times, before they were ready to hit the road. At David
Nellis’s house it was like the Nazi bastards had shelled it. Lech,
Boris and Gregorgi set to work. The bathroom extension with
downstairs bedroom would soon be sorted. The boys worked like slaves,
worse than slaves, they worked like men from the East, they worked
like family. If you married into the East, then you were part of the
East. They only stopped for 5 mins just to send me an email asking
that I looked after Still 17 in Warley Woods, it would be reaching
perfection too, by pure, 95% pure, coincidence they would be in
England to taste it.
When
the dust settled Dennis Nellis had his bathroom and new bedroom
downstairs. Gregorgi shed a tear, and for once his cousins did not
mock him for crying like a little girl. This was family. I had tapped
Still 17 and send the postman to deliver 10 litres, so toasting
Dennis Nellis sailor from the Artic Convoys they got drunk. What else
do you expect?
Now
Anastasia had not been forgotten, still hung over the boys decided to
go visit the car dealership. The car dealer had ignored Anastasia,
even though she was so pretty, and so very very intelligent. But boys
will be boys, and they had come in from the cold, and their 3 wives
had asked did they want to repeat their performance, once they had
sorted out Anastasia’s broken brand new car. So they went to the
car show room, now they could have physically turned all the cars
over like turtles. Just as Big Sid does in the finale of The Butcher
The Baker and The Undertaker.
However
they had seen the Full Monty on Dennis Nellis’s tv the night
before, so they just played the music on their Spotify on their
iphones so they started to strip. The girls in the car show room
giggled and live streamed it on Facebook to their friends, they
stopped giggling as more and more clothes came off. Where was the
nearest Polish/Ukrainian and Russian food store, these were MEN with
a capital M! The car showroom owner came down to see the still drunk
cousins sprawled naked over his cars, leaving marks all over the
polish, that’s polish not POLISH by the way.
He
tried to threaten them but this was no Spring Time for Hitler. Your
Cars have one thing in common with us slurred Lech, Boris and
Gregorgi, and what is that asked the car show room owner? BIG
BOLLOCKS! And with that the boys left the showroom. And did Anastasia
get a new car from the car dealer. No, he was going to offer, but the
Police closed down his showroom after 100s of complaints, the Police
even said he did not have a licence for Erotic Dancers so were able
to close him down immediately. But Peter Stringfellow saw it all
online and sent Anastasia a brand new car, a much better car. He did
offer the boys a job as well, but they decided, The winner wives take
it all, it was For Their Eyes Only.
Lech, Boris and Gregorgi's big misadventure ©
By
Michael Casey
The boys got off to a late start, they had left the magazine in the toilet, and they needed the magazine. What am I on about? Well the magazine belonged to Ivan and Ivan had given it to Lech with words of advice. Ivan was a very very old man and magazines was all he had in his life, because he was so very old. Lech was young at the time and as Lech and Boris and Gregorgi carried Ivan home Ivan had said Lech could have his magazine because he knew he’d be dead soon.
The magazine was an old National Geographical one, in French. Lech just put it in his pocket and carried on carrying Ivan home with his 2 cousins. Ivan was right, he was dead soon. Ivan was 97 and the final 15 pints was too much for him. Ivan was found dead in his chair by the fire with a big smile on his lips, 2 days later.Everybody assumed he’d been sleeping off the booze, but when he didn’t feed his dogs people heard the howling and came to see what the trouble was. There was no trouble, Ivan was dead, as stiff as a poker, but with a big smile on his lips.
His funeral was a great occasion with holy relics held in front of his coffin. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi dug the grave themselves as was the custom, you dig your friends and neighbours’ graves. Later in the day Lech looked at the magazine in French, but could not understand as it was not an Eastern language, but he enjoyed the pictures. Round things of all shapes and colours. And what am I talking about? Truffles of course. It was an article on truffles. Lech put the magazine on top of his wardrobe next to his riffle, and promptly forgot all about it.
The snow was deep, and they had nothing planned so they were watching tv together, together with a large supply of alcohol, they were boys from the East after all, not girls from the West. Up popped and item on truffles, they would have dropped their beer glasses but luckily they were drinking from bottles so they did not, it’s a sin to waste good alcohol, ask your mother if you don’t believe me. Lech stuttered, ok he dribbled, so much money for those things. Ivan gave me a magazine with pictures of truffles in before he died years ago. Lech reached up to the top of the wardrobe, only he accidentally pulled the trigger, CLICK. They all ducked instinctively. Lech was from the East so of course there were no bullets in the riffle. He ws not an American after all.
Together they looked at the pictures in the magazine, all the varieties and the price you could get just for small amounts. A small amount was as valuable as gold. As they flicked through the magazine a piece of paper fell out. It was in Ivan’s handwriting, it was a map and a message, we have truffles too, if you can find them. And that was all it took for the lads to think of having an adventure up in the mountains. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi the truffle hunters, not as dynamic as Indiana Jones, but it could make them a bit of money.
Lech needed the toilet, so still clutching the magazine he left the others to throw some things together, they would be going truffle hunting. They climbed into the snow plough and had gone 3 km before they realised they’d left the magazine in the toilet. They needed the magazine to help identify the truffles. So they returned like fools for the magazine before setting off again. They drove 50 km into the mountains before the road ended. Now they would have to walk and climb. It was fun and a nice stretch of the legs, this was no Duke of Edinburgh Gold stroll, this was a nice men of the East walk, they did not have any Irn Bru they had 70% proof vodka.
Looking at the piece of paper they reached spot on the map where the truffles should be. The only problem was that truffles are under the ground. And there was snow too. That did not deter them, they had their knives. So they dug through the snow and started digging for truffles,only stopping for the occasional drop of vodka. Lech’s knife has a history, he won it from Boris in a bet. So Boris was beaten by his dad, Lech’s uncle, the beating was a long one. But Lech bore it and never told his dad how he’d lost his knife.
Gregorgi had bets with other kids as to how long the beating would last, in fact Gregorgi signaled to Boris to be cheeky so the beating would continue. Boris took his queue. Finally beating over, Gregorgi collected all the money and gave it to Boris refusing any commission. So Boris bought an even better knife and in fact he bought two. He gift wrapped one and left it in his dad’s boots. Boris’ dad nearly cried for joy, all he said was you know I love you dearly. Of course dad replied Boris, and if anybody says otherwise I’ll skin them alive with my new knife. Like father like son.
So the boys hacked about for truffles, they even tried to understand what the French writing said. Then luck appeared, a wild boar came running towards them, it started rooting in the earth where the cousins had cleared the snow. Soon the boar had found various truffles, they had to wrestle the boar so it did not eat them. So they fed it bread with 70% vodka soaked into it. A drunken wild boar and 3 Eastern cousins truffle hunting with a National Geographical magazine in French plus a scribbled note from a long dead 97 year old man called Ivan. Of course this happened, this is the East, they don’t do walks in park, well can you all just shut up muttering and let me get on with the story.
The boar fell over dead, probably too much rooting, but by now they had sack full of truffles. They were hungry and it was a pity to waste a boar, so they skinned it and made a fire, they had found some shelter by an outcrop of rocks. It had been a good day trip but now the snow began to fall heavily. Of course they don’t look at the weather forecast on an App, they just go where they want when they want, they were Men of the East. They were thinking could they find more shelter, when they heard a snap and a scream of pain.
A mountain bear had been caught in a trap. The trap had caught it on the neck but had not killed it. They were going to shoot it to put it out of its misery but they remember when they rescued the people in teh old people’s home. So they fed the bear vodka soaked in bread, then together they removed the bear trap. They felt pity for the bear, so Lech took his belt off and tied it around the bear’s neck, the other two followed, 3 strong leather belts tied tight around the bear’s neck to stop the flow of blood. Then they rubbed boar fat from their dinner around the wound to seal it, then wastefully they poured a little vodka around the wound too.
They could hear a noise, they followed the noise to a cave, 3 small bear cubs were inside, this was the mother they had saved. Now what would become of the bears? Gregorgi knew what must be done, so he picked one up and put it in his rucksack, the others followed. Mother bear was unconscious now, she might not make it. Gregorgi took his mobile out and pressed the distress button. He also took out a crumbed picture of an icon from his wallet and put it on the belts. They had done all they could for her, now they must save the babies.
There was an old log below their campfire.They climbed inside and attaching their braces to the log the pushed off. This was Cool Runnings Eastern style, down the side of a mountain. Now 3 Eastern men in a log, was no gentle English story about a men in a boat. This was 3 growling bears in ruck sacks racing down a mountainside, with 3 Eastern men for company. Now the crumpled picture Gregorgi had left on the mother bear was a picture of the Black Madonna, so was she guiding the cousins down the mountainside.
Back in the cab the snow plough started immediately, the amount of time they spent tinkering with its engine was more than love. They headed home,ringing the zoo to ask dd tey want 3 bear cubs. What a stupid question. But what of mother bear, a mother alone on a mountain, bleeding with only 3 belts tightly fastened keeping her alive. Boris rung his friend Olga, he told her to save the mother bear. Olga had a helicopter you see. Olga flew though the snow and scooped up the bear in a net.
Yes mother and bear cubs all lived happily ever after. As for the dead boar, its death had saved the mother bear. The zoo called the mother bear Olga, and the baby bears were called Lech, Boris and Gregorgi. And what about the truffles, well Olga scooped them up too and as she flew to the zoo she dropped them from the sky to Lech’s garden. They were rubbish truffles not worth a penny, but the Black Madonna had saved Lech, Boris and Gregorgi, the baby bears I mean. Or so the cousins thought. A month later a French chef was visiting from Paris, he nearly fainted. The truffles weren’t worth any money. But chef did leave his 4x4 behind instead as payment for the truffles, and you know what on the dashboard an icon of the Black Madonna.
Lech, Boris and Gregorgi Rescue the Old People’s Home ©
By
Michael Casey
Well as we are all stuck in the snow I’ve decided to share this story, you can believe it or not, its up to you. It’s 1st March 2018, Putin is boasting about his toys of war, as are other leaders. Can we just put these things away and advance science for all Mankind instead? The best of all our people is in its Spirit. So let me tell Putin and Kim and Trump a story about real Spirit. This is the story of how Lech, Boris and Gregorgi rescued 100 old people trapped in a blizzard with medicine and food running out.
Now Popaloffoff lies somewhere in the East where Poland, Ukraine and Russia make love on the map. They make love in bed too but I’m just trying to give you an estimation of where it is. Up in the mountains along a winding road and perched like an eagle looking down on a fast flowing river is an old monastery that is also an old people’s home for locals. So priests and shepherds live there, the priest paint icons and the shepherds produce the finest vodka anywhere in the world, if you live in that climate you need a good drink.
This Winter 2017/2018 has been bad, today 1st March 2018 the weather is savage. Lech and Boris and Gregorgi got a call on the CB radio, Shepherd down, we are running out of supplies especially medicine. We may have to burn the icons to keep warm. Now to anybody in the East an icon is a Holy Holy thing, its worth more than gold, worth more than beating USA at the ice hockey. I’m whispering this now but an icon is worth more than Vodka.
So when the message came on the CB radio Lech, Boris and Gregorgi had to do something. The Blizzard could go to Hell, in fact it could kiss Gregorgi’s fat ass, and his ass was fat, very fat indeed. They mounted their snowploughs and drove to base. Grit was poured to over-brimming on all three trucks, and a trailer was attached to each. Not forgetting a case of vodka in each cabin. With a blessing from an atheist they departed.
Only a fool, a madman, and a believer would even attempt it in this weather, but that would describe the Trio. In Popaloffoff they got the message that help was on its way, then the CB died. So they huddled together and prayed. A few of the icons were near the fire for when the firewood ended. Now as I said before Saint Michael considers Lech, Boris and Gregorgi to be his friends. As for the icons they have special powers too, but more of that later.
Driving in a blizzard is no fun, the Trio laughed and joked and cursed at each other over the radio. They were on a mission, a mission from God. They were not Blues Brothers they were Slavic cousins, and they were better drivers. Slip sliding away they went, round and round a garden like a teddy bear one step two step and a tickle under there. Good job there was vodka on the seat beside them. It was barely above freezing inside the cab, though they had their furs to keep them warm. That bear had nearly killed them 10 years ago, but they had sworn an oath to high Heaven that if they did not die they would repay the favour. So now wrapped in that bear’s clothes it was time to repay that debt. Popaloffoff was calling them, I saved your 3 lives, now you must save the least of my brethren.
It was logical, well logical to a fool, a madman and a believer, they were each and all of those things. They had visited Popaloffoff when they were kids and it had made a big big impression, so now, they had to do it, they just had to answer the call. Slip sliding away, the trailers sliding like a puppet on a string.
Disaster almost struck. Lech was leading his plough veered to the left, then magically it shot to the right along the mountain road. Boris and Gregorgi swore they saw an angle appear and push his truck back on the road. Was it the vodka, it was hard to tell through all the snow. It was Saint Michael himself, he had skin in this game, as did all the angels and saint on the icons.
After that save, like a diving ice hockey player in the Olympic final, Saint Michael was joined by a multitude of angels. If their icons were burned it did not matter, saving the lives of a Trio such as Lech, Boris and Gregorgi did matter.
Now the road to Poploffoff is very dangerous and you an slip off and never be seen again, or until Spring comes and the snow melts. The wind howled and the snow fell. The vodka was drunk as the Trio drunk through the blizzard. How they stayed on the road nobody would ever know, but if you were an angel looking down you could see snow angels in the snow to the left and to the right as angels pushed the truck to keep it on the road. Hundreds of snow angels made in the snow by real angels. But you don’t believe me, do you? You think I’m drinking vodka?
The fire was burning low so the priest with tears in his eyes put an icon on the fire. Then he closed his eyes, he did not want to see his sin. 100 people and more huddled around a fire with their eyes closed, begging the angles and saints to forgive them for their sin. The angles and saints were crying, not for their icons but because they were humbled to see such Faith.
Lech, Boris and Gregorgi drove on the perilous road, slip, sliding away. They cursed each other more, to encourage each other more. Then a tragedy, the vodka was finished. They fell silent, not long to go now, they had to concentrate more, the road was at its most dangerous now. Saint Michael called for reinforcements, a wall of angels their wings outstretched with swords drawn lined the road. Nothing would prevent them from getting to Popaloffoff now, only the Devil himself had come to see what was happening, he had smelt the scent of burning icons.
While Saint Michael hacked at the Devil with his sword Lech’s truck went over the cliff. It was hanging half on and half off the road. Boris and Gregorgi slammed on the brakes on their trucks. He would be dead in seconds. Only then 3 enormous bears appears and pulled the trailer and truck back on the road. The bears disappeared to be replaced by a golden angel, a beautiful golden angel.
Nobody said anything they drove in silence up the mountain road to Popaloffoff. They entered the courtyard and ran to refectory where everybody had been gathered. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi handed out medicine and food and unpacked the supplies. A madman, a fool and a believer had saved the day.
The Trio looked about and could see the icons that had been put on the fire. But when they took them out they noticed something, they wiped the soot away and the icons were perfect, intact. Babushka asked the trio to follow her to where she had been painting a new icon. She turned the icon around, and there Lech, Boris and Gregorgi could see a golden angle with 3 bears on it.
I need a drink they said in unison. So they had a drink, a real good drink. In fact they were given the recipe for Popaloffoff vodka, so if you wonder why Lech, Bori and Gregorgi are in Warley Woods or any woods for that matter its is because they are attending to their still. Oh, and before I forget, I have an angel on my wall as I talk to you all. And as for golden angel icon with 3 bears on, that is on the wall in Putin’s private office, as well as a few bottles of Popaloffoff vodka. Pope Francis has been invited to Russia you know, maybe Putin will give him a photocopy of the icon, or just some Popaloffoff vodka.
there is a recent story too when they visit me and then save a newborn baby and mother, it's on my site if you look.
As you can imagine Mother Russia would love these stories all rolled into a feature film, so do get in touch, it's not Tolstoy but it works.
STAY HAPPY WHEREVER YOU ARE IN THE WORLD.
HERE'S A BROWNIE BONUS
The Spaceman and The Arch-Angel ©
By Michael Casey
Mikhail Mikhailovich was a spaceman, a cosmonaut as the Russians call them, he’d been in space forever, he held the world record already, he was testing himself to see if Man could make it to Mars. He and Tim Peake had had a lot of fun in the space station, but now Tim was gone. So Mikhail was lonely, in fact Mikhail was having a dark night of the soul, flying high in the sky orbiting the world. He was on the edge, but bear a bear of a man he told nobody, if only his wife Katarina was with him to make him strong, but he was floating in space and she was back in Saint Petersburg.
Michael the Arch-Angel had just pushed back Satan back into Hell and had sealed the gates with a pair of Rosary beads, now he was taking Mrs Murphy’s soul back to her body, he was in a hurry before her body died without her soul inside. At Saint Michael the Arch-Angel flew in space with Mrs Murphy’s soul safely tucked in his belt by his sword he felt Mikhail’s sorrow. So much sorry, he flew as fast as he could fly towards to space station, a soul was in danger, the space station was in danger, a man’s life and soul was in danger. Mikhail was on the verge of thinking of doing something mad bad and sad. Michael felt this and as an angel he must intervene, he spiralled directly towards the space station, he went straight inside and grabbed Mikhail’s arm.
An angel does not need to use doors, the spirit just walks through walls even in space, love knows no boundaries, and an angel is just that, love. Saint Michael the Arch-Angel gave Mikhail a bear-hug and nearly broke his ribs. Mikhail screamed in fear, Michael just laughed in his face and said he screamed like a little girl, was he going to pee his pants as an encore. Mikhail rubbed his eyes, there was angel in front of him, speaking Russian, in fact he sounded like his own old grandfather, with the same local accent.
I could punch your lights out, but I’m an angel so let’s talk, have you got any beer, my wings are tired I need a beer, asked the angel. Mikhail laughed, where do we have the room for a barrel of beer in a space station? The angel reached behind him and two pints of Stella Artois appeared in chalices, so Mikhail took one and drank it, after such a long time in space it was heavenly to say the least. So Mikhail and the angel had 4 pints each, which is enough to wet their whistle if they were both Russian. Mikhail wasn’t scared any more, if this was a dream he was going to enjoy it. He’d love a big sandwich of Russian beef and bread with lettuce and tomatoes, so once more Saint Michael reached behind him and the sandwiches appeared. Is Paul Daniels behind you joked Mikhail, Tim the English spaceman had told Mikhail about Paul Daniels during his time on the space station. No replied the angel, but God is behind me, and in front of me and in all directions too, he has my back, and your’s too, that’s why I’m saving you.
Mikhail, looked at his feet, he’d felt a failure, he could have, but he didn’t, an angel had saved him. Michael the Archangel gave him another pint of Stella Artois, Paul Daniels was working overtime you could say. Why were you in space anyway asked Mikhail. I was returning a soul to a body, Mrs Murphy was risking her soul to save the life of her priest, or rather the soul of her priest. That’s when Satan pounced, so I had to give him a kicking, and then mum asked we to return Mrs Murphy’s soul to her body, before her body expired. Mum who is your mum? Mary is my mum, she’s everybody’s mum, she prefers to be called ”mum” it’s the highest title of all. Mikhail Mikhailovich started to cry, so Michael wiped his nose with his wings.
I wish I could be a father but being in the space program has put paid to that, I am a hero of Mother Russia, but my own wife cannot be a mother, we will never know the joy of children. Mikhail cried again, the angel gave him a huge hug, almost breaking the spaceman’s ribs and Mikhail’s face turned bright red due to lack of oxygen. A tear fell from the angel’s eye, it trickled down his face and splashed Mrs Murphy’s soul, this was enough for Mrs Murphy she was saying the Rosary in a nanosecond. Her body was dead by now, but at least she could pray for the spaceman.
Michael and Mikhail had some fresh fruit, bananas and grapes, washed down with more Stella Artois. Mikhail unburdened himself to the angel, all his hopes and dreams, being a spaceman was the last of them. Tim had told Mikhail about David Bowie and the two of them had put the face makeup on and sung the songs. Now Tim was gone and Mikhail missed him, but most of all Mikhail missed something he’d never have. Children. As a child Mikhail loved listening to stories, stories from all over Russia and everywhere else too, but then studying came along.
Saint Michael the Archangel has a secret, he loves stories too, he’s spent ages, literally Ages listening to stories from all over the world. So as they drunk their Stella Artois Michael told Mikhail some of the stories. First in Russian for the Russian stories, then he switched to Chinese for the Chinese stories, Indian for the Indian stories, and Japanese for the Japanese stories. Michael knew thousands of stories in told them all in all the native languages. The food and drink flowed, Paul Daniels really is a great magician, how he hid all of it in the space station ready to save a soul, a Russian spaceman’s soul we’ll never know, perhaps he’s just an angel.
How long would it take to tell tales from all over the world, as long as there is food and drink on the table there will always be tales, and this angel doesn’t follow Logic, only Love. In Earth time 50 years had passed, or was it just a dream? Michael and Mikhail hugged, this time Michael could not breathe and he turned red. Mikhail had been filled with Love, and food and drink thanks to maybe Paul Daniels, so he was a big Russian Bear once more.
You are Mikhail Mikhailovich a Spaceman who did not fall to earth, you are the Storyteller from Space, you are a “father” to billions of children, and to your wife you are the best husband in space and on earth who gave her seven children, angels love the number 7, Snow White really did exist you know, but that’s another story. Mikhail snored, he been dreaming hadn’t he.
Michael flew off into space, for decades he’d been talking to Mikhail, it was a coincidence he’d spotted Mikhail, he thanked God. As Michael looked at his watch, by which I mean the rotation of the stars in space, he realised he’d actually gone back in time by 2.9 nanoseconds. Einstein had been livid when he’d got to Heaven to discover that Time and Relativity was just one of God’s jokes.
Mrs Murphy’s soul was returned to her body, but her 50 years of prayers so that Mikhail could have a family had not been wasted, and as for her priest well that’s another story, Tears for a Butcher by Michael Casey to be exact, if God gives me the time to finish it.
The next night Mikhail said he had a story for all the Russian children, so he told them about the night the angel came to the space station. This was an instant hit all over Mother Russia, it was so funny too, though he had to explain who Paul Daniels was, they liked the story a lot, not a little bit. The Indians wanted to hear the story so could he tell them too, so he did but Mikhail told them in one of the major Indian languages, and as each child hear the story they hear it in the voice of their own grandfather. Japan was next and they were astounded too, not only did know their language but the accent was perfect, Mikhail was like a United Nations, his stories perfectly told demanded silence, followed by tears of joy.
Mikhail spent another month in space, each night he’d tell stories to the world’s children. He was out of this world literally and in all other ways. When it was time for him to return he was an international hero, for science and for story-telling. Putin himself said he drive him from the airport to the Kremlin for a reception. When Mikhail came down the steps from the plane his wife jumped into his arms, Putin was dressed as a chauffeur, the election was next month and he know good PR. The president as servant of the people. Putin did have to close the privacy screen in the Zil because the spaceman started on creating his happy family on the back seat of the Zil limousine.
So Mikhail got what he wanted a big happy Russian family, was the angel right in guessing 7, no he was wrong, Mikhail and his wife only had 3 pregnancies. Three being Mrs Murphy’s favourite number, three sets of triples. Mikhail set up his own Utube station to tell stories to the world’s children, he called it You’ll Like It, a lot. Then his friend Putin suggested he should run for president, so that’s how a spaceman called Mikhail became the President of Russia, because an angel came acalling, twinkle, twinkle.
so I hope you all enjoy these stories all of you in the EAST if only we turned them into films or cartoons.
that's all
Michael Casey
