Mocking the Afflicted

Mocking the Afflicted ©

By

Michael Casey

I had to get up early today for a blood test, a fasting one too, which meant I could not eat after 10pm last night. As you can imagine I was starving by the time I got home after the blood test. I had to walk a bit to in the cold which set off my pains. Ok, I won’t bore you with that, the other thing though is that I got a printout of my medical history going back to 1975. So as I had my breakfast and lots to drink, I am a big fluids person after all, I had a look at my medical printout.

Then I swallowed my beta blocker which slows down my heart so it does not explode. My pigs are upstairs having their last lie in of the Christmas holidays while I talk to you all. I was going through the newspapers when I spotted something about a Utuber who was in Japan, it was in the Guardian I think. This person went to a well know suicide spot in a woods and filmed a victim he’d found there. A film star condemned him for such crass behaviour. You can all find it for yourselves and let him know what you think.

Mocking the afflicted is not a sport. In the old days the village idiot was protected by the village, yes they may not treat him perfectly well but he was protected. I was watching Peaky Blinders on Netflix over the holidays, it’s very good by the way. In it there was somebody who suffered from Shell Shock as it would now be called.He was protected by the Brummie gangster who had been a war hero. Yes, the tale did end in tears, but otherwise he was protected.

In my next full length book, Tears for a Butcher, which I may never finish, it’ll take a year of my life, or 3 months if I am lucky enough to be able to borrow a legal secretary I could recite the tale to. In that follow on to The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker which is 30 years old this year, yes I cannot believe it either. Well in it you have twin sisters who are the publican’s daughters. They are beautiful beyond compare, but they are also very dangerous, as all girls are.

So who do they fall in love with? They fall in love with the draymen, one of whom has a stutter but can sing, and the other who has a limp. When I write it up it will be both funny and full of pathos. Because the two draymen are mocked by football fans from outside the area. Annie and Betty will not stand for this so they stand by their man. You don’t speak to my bloke like that, leads to Annie and Betty using their martial arts skills to bounce the outsiders out of their home, the pub. Then there is 18 certificate kissing in the bar, they have decided the draymen are theirs and so they put a marker down, or a tongue down throat might be more accurate. Typical writing by me.

The point though is that the twins Annie and Betty want real men, not plastic selfie taking posers. Men who will love them always. Yes one has a limp, but he has personality and great eyes. The other has a stutter but when he sings it disappears and his voice goes straight through her, she’d do anything for him. Tell your own daughters never to be impressed by the superficial. Its depth of character that matters, if he can make you laugh then marry him.

I am also a big believer in the little people, because they always but always surprise us. The least of the brethren are there for a reason. I know some would say I’m on the scrapheap, that I’m useless. So I am reminded of myself when I see people less fortunate than me. That’s why I try in small ways to help others. We all can, it doesn’t have to involve money if you have none to give. You can give a smile, a look, a word, a joke, or just hold open that door for somebody. Or just wave to the bus driver so that he waits for somebody.

All these simple things show our humanity, and it’s how we treat the least of our brethren that shows just who great we are. Annie and Betty in my story see the humanity within and that’s what they find so attractive. Yes life is not perfect, and I certainly am not. But one thing I’d never do is mock and laugh over a body of a stranger in Japan or anywhere else, because he is one of my brethren.    

Feel Good Things

Feel Good Things ©

By

Michael Casey

I’ve just seen the film Glee 2 on tv, it made me laugh, in fact some of it was so funny I was saying “classic” as I watched I. There are many films that give us the feel good factor. You can pick your own, such as The Thomas Crown Affair, the 1968 version is just one of my favourite films, and the music The Windmills of Your Mind is my favourite song. You would have no doubt have guessed that already if you’ve read any of my 1300 plus short pieces.

So what gives us those feel good moments? A kiss from your mum when you scrapped your knee. Making up with your sister or brother, realising they really are the “best”. A letter from a loved one, lost long  and now found at the bottom of a trunk when you are tidying up. Old photos discovered in an attic. A collection of contraceptives you never used, because you never could get a girlfriend.

Or because she said nothing could ever come between you, so you had 12 children, but you were both so happy. Now aged 88, you were all alone, apart from the 10 children and 20 grandchildren and 12 great grandchildren. She had kept the unopened contraceptives at the bottom on her sewing box, because your love had stitched you together. So never never never would she use those things. Now she had died in your arms a smile on her lips. Feel good things.

A meal even a post funeral meal is a feel good moment, because the food is great, and the memories shared are even better. I can remember the food after my mum’s funeral, it was laid out on the snooker table in the Irish club opposite the undertakers. All the colours of my mother’s life were laughed about and shared, how she had played the game of family life with all the events rolling over the baize green of life. She had loved us so much and worked so very hard.

My dad nearly died maybe of a broken heart just 8 weeks later, its in Padre Pio and Me by Michael Casey, you can find it on the Internet. Now nearly 16 years ago I can remember my dad’s own funeral, the food spread again over the baize of the snooker table. This time I held a daughter in my arms. My dad had found me a wife and a new job and then after eating his breakfast and asking for a 2^nd egg he left us. As the calendar has almost reached the anniversary the events spring to mind but its a feel good memory for me. I remember my aunty saying just how pleased my mum, her sister would have been to see me married and holding a baby in my arms. I can remember telling John Lennon to eat up and have some of the loads of food that were available. John Lennon was the name of one of our lodgers, he was Mrs Moylan’s lodger but he moved to us when they moved house. Mrs Moylan had said to mum “I see you’ve got the Beatle”. John Lennon lived with us for a few years, then he died in his room, in Birmingham.

These memories, these stories are the things that have made up my life. A life of stories, listening to my dad and then reading stories by the yard and then watching films in their 1000s. Happy memories, fond memories. It’s our memories which last the longest. They are things we should treasure. When you visit old friends its the stories  that make the day.

It’s not Gloria’s great cooking, and she is such a great cook. Or Boris’ dynamite vodka that his Ukrainian family always bring home. Its the love between us, between Ukraine and Poland and even Russia that unite. Sure we say each other is rubbish, but that’s because we can, because we are family, we are friends.

The stories we share make us feel happy even if Boris burns the food. Its the laughter, like when Lech went out in the snow to pooh when you were all out hunting and were in the tent for the night. Only his bum got frostbite, but he had left the tent in the dark and fell over after he’s dropped his pants. Then none of you wanted to waste vodka to rub on his bum to defrost it. Georgie just sprinkled a bit, like a priest blessing his frost bitten bum. Only Georgie loved to smoke Cuba cigars, and while he was “blessing” Lech’s frost bitten bum Georgie managed to drop his cigar and set fire to Lech’s bum.

Poland, Ukraine and Russia united to grab him and dunk him in the snow to extinguish the flames. Lech was allowed a full bottle of vodka to himself as apology. But really the Polish,Ukrainian and Russian cousins laughing so much they could not drink for at least 10 minutes. You can imagine this is a memory that’ll last a lifetime as will the scorch marks on Lech’s bum. Thankfully they had brought 12 bottles of vodka for their weekend hunting trip. They did bring 40 cans of Stella Artois too, just for variety.

Laughter is the best memory we have, so please please please remember that,and when you are old share those laughs. I do have a scar on my own bum, yes really, but that’s another story from 50 years ago. But if you ask my sister she’ll tell you all about it, price, one bottle of Russian , one bottle of Polish and one bottle of Ukrainian vodka. We can give it to the priest to bribe him to make shorter sermons. 

A sideways look at life

A sideways look at life

HELP HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY JAGUAR BODY WARMER  AS SEEN IN THE PHOTO.

ITS 15 YEARS OLD AND VERY WARM, SO IF YOU SPOT IT, DO LET ME KNOW.

WE'VE LOOKED ALL OVER THE HOUSE AND STILL CANNOT FIND IT.

I CANNOT DRIVE AND HAVE NEVER HELD A FULL LICENCE.

I DID TRY LEARNING,BUT DOING A  3 POINT TURN WITH THE HAND BREAK ON WAS THE BEST I COULD DO. I did  have 2 test exams and a kid pretended to commit suicide by jumping in front of the car the 1st time. The 2nd time the examiner was beuing tested himself so I had 2 examinere in the car.

After that I gave up and had a bus pass as  I lived very close to the city centre, and really driving never interested me. Instead my Shanghai wife drives, drives me .....


https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC

1st Post 2018 Start the Year with a Bang

Start the Year with a Bang ©

By

Michael Casey

Well 2017 is nearly gone, this will be the first piece of 2018. It has been an eventful and painful year in my family. Some of it I’ll share the rest will never be revealed. My sister’s car was in a crash and is a total write off, it was towed away never to return. Luckily she was not inside it, or she’d be dead. It was locked and parked and stationary, and she was inside the warmth of her own home. There was a loud bang in the street and that was the end of her car. Smashed and squashed into a lamppost.

It may have been God’s way of telling her to slow down as she is always busy. It has been very icy in Birmingham and where we live those roads are always lasts to defrost. Luckily our trip to my brother’s for the Christmas family gathering was event free just days earlier was event free. Apart from the lead being stolen from his bay window. His dog had frightened the thieves away but they had returned the next day to finish stealing the lead at 5am or so in the morning.

So a crash and a theft. At least I managed to get to Mass at Christmas  and today. Though I’ve just had 2 days of back agony. I had a bath at 2.30am in an attempt to sooth my back, that kind of worked. I told my Shanghai wife I need a Korean masseuse, but that’ll only happen if Kim joins a K-Pop band and there are 2,000,000 Korean Army Girls looking for a new occupation.

I know this is classed a Politically incorrect on many levels, but people should grow up. On the BBC Radio we have a comedy show with Samantha as an assistant. And the guests make remarks about her. So some Politically Correct people complained to the BBC. Guess what, Samantha does not even exist, she is a comic device.

Just as Boris and Lech are comic devices is some of my stories. Though I was in the Polish shop and somebody said to me that Boris must be Ukrainian as he was so stupid. And Lech might really be Russian, as he can drink only 13 bottles of vodka, but if he were Polish he’d wouldn’t drink anything except milk. I hope you now all understand what a comic device is. Pathos too is self explanatory, but that might divert into fantasy, which is not allowed in today’s all too PC world.

True but you won’t believe this there was once somebody at the office where I worked who had fantasies about me, I never knew,one of the lads told me on strict condition I never revealed it. It was a long time ago. I was amazed, I could not even speak. Yes it was a woman, Boris I’ll take that saucer of milk away from you if you say a word. Lech you can stop smirking or I’ll tell everybody your secret, I’ve never ever heard of maths text books being used that way, you are such as naughty naughty boy.Let’s just say we’ll discover how good his multiplication is in nine months time, or it might just be his self control.

Where was I, sat here in front of the computer wincing, wincing not mincing Boris, there is a difference. Wincing with a bit of pain, no its not a metaphor Lech, can you just leave the room, and take that  Maths teacher with you. What’s that on your lips Lech, lipstick, oh it’s not yours its the Maths’ teachers. You were sharing. Looks like you were plastering each others’ face. Oh, you are a builder. Good, you look as if you are building a family judging the lipstick marks. Here let me throw this maths book after you. He’s such a nuisance Lech is.

I really have forgotten where I was now, so I’ll have a pee and come back refreshed. Just had some lemon drink, its supposed to be good for the kidneys. I just remembered I spotted a site which had 11,000 views of a book of mine. They have not sent me a penny, if I won some money I could help my sister buy a new car now she has nothing as it was destroyed.

    https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC 

Is where the ebooks can be bought, just in case you have all forgotten.

I can hear a jingling and a jangling, Santa is not stuck up the chimney, its the cat Totoro. She did not come home pregnant, just full of fleas, so my wife has washed her and we put a new flea collar on her along with some flea vaccine. She’s drying out sat in the front window, rather like an Amsterdam prostitute. Boris and Lech you can both stop smirking, go outside and read some more maths books, and Boris where is your History homework, I want that 3000 word essay before you can go out drinking in the New Year. Don’t give me that ice hockey look, you have 4 hours, so just do it. You’re Polish, so make it 5000 words, Polish workers are so fast and hard working. Remember I have a Chinese wife, so you can guess the standards she wants.

Well while Lech plays with his tables, he’s a waiter too, as well as a builder and lover of all things to do with multiplication, so I’ll go and have some Polish ham and Polish mayonaisey. Boris doesn’t really hate me for making him do his History homework, he’s a PhD now. All the girls think PhD is a metaphor for something. But Boris Johnson now HE does hate me, everybody thinks I’m really talking about HIM. Theresa May starts Cabinet meetings by reading my latest piece out, just to annoy him. That’s why there is all the banging on tables in cabinet and 1922 meetings, they are all laughing at Boris.

Ok, I’m only joking but I’ll make a prediction, Boris will never be PM, because Boris is just a comic device in my imagination, and Lech would be speechless without him. Happy New Year my readers the world over, in all 26 plus countries, please spread my comic words like butter and maybe I’ll sell some ebooks, finally.