Monday 24 June 2019
Defenceless Little Old Lady
Defenceless Little Old Lady ©
By
Michael Casey
Miss Hannigan was very nice little old lady, she was forever carrying her two red leather shopping bags back and forth as she went to the shops. She had a nice little pension and had never married, as no man was good enough, she always said with a faraway look in her eye. There been admirers, but that was another story that was too painful to go into. But now she was as regular as clockwork, thanks to the prunes, and she kept the same schedule. She could afford Ocado to come and deliver, and sometimes did, they were very nice delivery boys after all, but she liked human contact in the shops so she went shopping with her two red leather shopping bags.
Miss Hannigan knew everybody and everybody knew Miss Hannigan, she went shopping every day so of course the knew her. She didn’t go shopping on Sunday of course, Sundays were for church and choir, she played the piano in the church hall. Her voice was very very loud too, her past made her voice loud. You see Miss Hannigan had been a teacher all her life, so she knew how to shout and sing loudly. Then when Annie had been on tv the kids all began to sing back, We Love You Miss Hannigan, and they really did despite all the rigours of teaching. Miss Hannigan taught English, so when a weekly test was finished the kids all sung, We Love You Miss Hannigan, and then burst out laughing.
So Miss Hannigan had had a nice life, she’s had 1000s of children, though secretly she’d have loved one of her very own, so she could tell her own child just how special they were to her. Now the thing about routine is that it is the best way and the safest way to run your life, you don’t forget where you left your keys or where your underpants are, because they are always in the same place. Covering your bum, or on the 2nd shelf in the wardrobe, or in the washing machine on steam clean.
There are bad people in this world, opportunists who will take advantage of you, like Politicians who refuse to debate, because they think everything is in the bag, and don’t want to let any cats out of the bag. In Miss Hannigan’s case there was a very naughty boy who’d seen her walking by every day as he sat in his car smoking his skunk. Skunk stinks, and is a very stupid thing to do. But Skunk is a bad habit unlike Miss Hannigan’s good habits, about knowing where her pants or keys were at any given time. So over time and the haze of Skunk, the naughty boy thought it might be a good idea to steal from Miss Hannigan.
Miss Hannigan was carrying two full loads of shopping in her shopping bags, it was all kinds of everything. She was walking a bit slower than usual as she’d hurt her leg, in fact she’s borrowed a stick from Mr Malik who said keep it. She had taught his children and grandchildren after all. The Skunk user thought this was his chance, he’d steal her purse, she must be rich she went to the shop every day, though really it was to keep loneliness at bay. So the Skunk crept up on her. Miss Hannigan BEHIND YOU, generations of kids would scream,We Love You Miss Hannigan, LOOK OUT.
The wind saved Miss Hannigan, she farted you see, Heinz baked beans was her weakness, they are good for your heart, ask your doctor, even if he holds his nose as he replied. As she looked around to see if anybody had heard her let rip, then she spotted and smelt the Skunk. She had always told the children that a bully must be faced down, so she stopped and dropped her 2 shopping bags, deliberately , so that the contents poured out in front of her. Then she screamed as only a teacher can scream, the Skunk laughed, nobody will hear you, you are too far away from the shops.
Miss Hannigan pressed her Fitbit, the Skunk laughed again, that won’t help you, you old bitch. He’d obviously been to the wrong kind of school. Little did he know, it was not a Fitbit, Mr Malik’s grandson was very big in Tech, it was in fact a personal alarm. Miss Hannigan took a deep breath, looked like she was all alone. Then she cast off her coat, she was there in her pink woolly jumper. It was a leaving present, it had WE LOVE YOU MISS HANNIGAN embroidered on it. The Skunk laughed.
Miss Hannigan grasped her walking stick, then using the contents of her shopping bag as ammunition she let rip, she farted first, then she used Malik’s stick as a hockey stick. FIRE, fire one, fire two, fire three, fire four, fire five. She had not only been the English teacher, she also taught HOCKEY. The Skunk was sunk, hen was battered and clattered with tins of this and that, with potatoes, carrots, a cabbage and a lettuce, she even hooked a box of free range eggs and the had a doze yolk on him.
By now from a distance the cavalry were coming, the cavalry were coming, generations of children came running, a child will never forget it’s teachers voice. So they all came running. The Fitbit was connected to many Iphones too. Mr Malik’s grandson jumped into his Rolls Royce and floored it. A Council meeting was interrupted too, the Lord Mayor in all his regalia came running, the number 92 bus which was always late, just flew. Miss Hannigan was in trouble, they must come, NOW, just as she used to say to them in school, NOW MEANS NOW.
In the distance the Police were coming too, no flashing lights, just clip and clop, but very fast clip and clop. You see Sgt. Dixon was on horse duty and his phone picked up the FitBit alert, there were three other officers on horseback too. They were the four horsemen of the apocalypse as far as the Skunk was concerned. An American tourist happened to be in the local park and filmed and followed on his roller skates.
There was flour in the air, as Miss Hannigan had not stopped firing until everything she had was launched against her would be attacker. Miss Hannigan, Miss Hannigan her children all shouted, hoping she was safe. Malik’s Rolls screamed to a halt. The Lord Mayor arrived, classroom fulls of people arrived. There was one late arrival, hairy Amjit the Alsation dog had ran 5 miles, then just leapt teeth first onto the Stunk.
Four Police horses arrived and backed the Stunk into a corner, dribbling spit all over the stunk. The American tourist filmed it all.
The Stunk was arrested, and as he sat on a bench waiting for a Police van to take him to jail, the Police Horses had the final say. You see running always makes a horse want to pooh.So all four poohed on the Skunk, so everything came up roses. Everybody sung We Love you Miss Hannigan, over and over again. They were so relieved, they would knit a new jumper for Miss Hannigan as hers had got a bit battered rather like the Skunk in all the excitement. Miss Hannigan had never had a child of her own, but as far as all these generations of children were concerned, they loved her like a mother.
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