D.I.Y. Haircut

D.I.Y. Haircut ©

By Michael Casey

Where do I begin, which is most important thing when giving yourself a haircut, well you start at the eyebrows, I do have bushy eyebrows if I fail to trim them. As you know I cut them off with a scissors when I was 4 or so, then when I was 13 or 14 and learning some French for Mr Notzing the best teacher ever, I plucked them as naked an over ready chicken. So my sister painted some on, nobody noticed the first day, but on the 2^nd day they did. Luckily I was 13.5 stones so nobody took the mick.

So be careful, that’s all I’ll say, not unless you want your class mates to think you are Eddie Izzard, and in the 1970s everybody wasn’t as open to everything as they are, or should be nowadays. You need to find the scissors first, they may have been used to scape chewing gum from your daughter’s boots, or even dog pooh, people just grab the first things that come to hand, so disinfect first, just to be on the safe side. Or if you are lucky you have those comb scissors that look like a comb on one blade with a hopefully pooh free  2^nd blade, though bubble gum could be worse, have you ever had bubble gum in your hair? Oh, just seagull pooh, it’s supposed to be good luck, though how the seagulls get as far inland as Birmingham the centre of the country I’ll never know.

Now safety first, cover your eye with your hand, or if you have a spare Pirate patch wear that over the eye where you are going to eyebrow trim. I have the Pirate scars myself from my heart bypass, and yes that sexy photo of my bare chest really is me from 5 years ago, before my hernia started to poke through like a breast. And you all thought I was a bit of a woman already, you so very cruel, maybe one day a Korean girl is smitten by my scared torso, etc etc etc, as the King of Siam used to say. But back to the plot, standing in front of a mirror ever so carefully begin to trim your eyebrow, but make sure the bathroom door is locked, otherwise you’ll get knocked over and be blinded, or have dodgy eyebrows that Youths think make them look hard. Sorry you  just look really STUPID, but who am I to judge, I do trim the Pope’s eyebrows for him, but that’s another story. A bit of which is in my 19^th books and the 1^st story inside, so go look.

The comb scissors are the best, however if you cut too  much don’t try to match it on the other eyebrow, as you’ll always end up cutting and trimming more and more as you attempt to reach balance, and just end up like an oven ready shaved chicken. Basically you are stuffed, but without the sage and onion up your behind. So once you have finished your eyebrows, step back and admire yourself in the bathroom mirror, but don’t trip over the toilet and drop the scissors down the bog. You really really need those scissors, no matter what’s in the toilet, your hand will have to go down and retrieve the scissors. Otherwise you’ll look like a Yeti.  So always Prepare before you start. Flush and clean everything, and but the toilet lid down, and put plugs in bath and sink. Five minutes prep will save the day. And don’t forget to pull the blind down on the bathroom window, you don’t have frosted glass on that window, you don’t want your neighbours laughing at you. Which reminds me of a story, The Shy Girl, I wrote it for a 2^nd girl, and after she read it she did speak to me for 6 weeks. It may be on one of my sites, or I’ll load it up, its over 20 years old.

So your eyebrows are done, so you shave your ears next, well I do anyway. Be careful not to use a brand new blade, shave your behind first, then use the same blade on your ears. That way you won’t cut your ears to bits, you could end up looking like Mike Tyson had had a go at you in the ring, or is it bathroom. Also as you have blunted the blade there won’t be any nicks, or if they are nobody will ever know, not unless you sit side saddle. Which reminds me of another story about a bolt up my bum, and then I did have to sit side saddle. My eldest brother came home from Oxford University and asked me to show him my scar. The joys of large families, 50 years ago.

So you are confident now so you can start cutting the hair on your head, your bum, ears and eyebrows are done. Once again, safety, cover your ear with your hand as you cut the hair all around it. You could even put headphones on upside down, so as you listen to music you protect your ears, otherwise  you might cut a piece off your ears and end up looking like a Vulcan. You can cut away to your hearts content because as you are in lockdown nobody will see you. Or in my case my hair grows like Japanese knotweed, that’s why Orientals find me so attractive, please yourselves as Frankie Howerd might say.

Now I think you’ve had enough of my Hair, though in the Musical isn’t that a theme song and they all end up naked. See I may have given  you an idea for you own weekends entertainment, Singing. Be careful if you do cut your hair, I am very tempted myself, as my hair really does grow so fast, where I live there are loads and  loads of hair places, but now they are all shut due to Lockdown. Maybe they are all singing Hair from that Musical, or have they filmed me in bathroom, I always forget to put the blind down. Michael’s Bathroom is another story I seem to remember, in it a bread knife falls down the toilet, so obviously I retrieve it, how else can I make my sandwiches on my crusty cobs?