Send Me a Good Script

Send Me a Good Script ©

By

Michael Casey

Chuck and Chase were film producers, it was not their real names, those had been  forgotten over the years, all except by their aged mothers who lived next door. To the mothers they would always be, Simon and Garry, mail used to get misdirected because Simon and Garfunkel use to live nearby so the postman sometimes only half read the name. So Simon and Garry’s mail ended up with Simon and Garfunkel. They lived over the bridge next to the tannery, with a little creek full of discharged tanning liquid bubbling away. Simon, that’s Paul Simon used to come on over, humming a Shania Twain song. Here’s your mail boys he’d say, and go back home to finish his breakfast with Art.  The idea for Bridge over Troubled Water came about due to his regular trips handing mail to the boys. He didn’t mention the pollution in the creek , it would have been too hard to get the right rhythm.

So Simon and Garry adopted new names, Chuck and Chase, which were very manly, but also perfect for their job as readers for film producers. Chuck if a script was bad and Chase if it was worth following up, hence Chuck and Chase. Simon and Garry were no more, as for Simon and Garfunkel they got their break and moved away. They did meet years later at the premier of The Graduate, Chuck and Chase were big by then too, mainly due to eating too much popcorn at screenings. But I’ve got ahead of myself.

Chuck looked at Chase and wondered why he’d chosen him, Chase looked at Chuck and knew why he chose him. He was the tic to his toc, perfect harmony like an Oris watch, though daily they wore Mickey Mouse watches, the nice ones were for show when they went out. 

This script is far too long, I’m off to the toilet said Chuck taking the script with him. 20 minutes later her returned but scriptless. Chuck pronounced far far too long. So I flushed it away, the cheek of sending us something that long, a script should be under 120 pages, that was at least 145pages. Cuts, cuts and cuts.

You didn’t wipe your ass on it asked Chase concerned for his lover’s behind.

Well it was just so bad, I had to make a statement about how I felt, besides Cindy didn’t stock up on toilet tissue again, I had no alternative. I told you a Lesbian always makes a better cleaner. 

But her boyfriend is so cute, they are both Korean what do you expect, ugly Koreans don’t exist, they mused. And he is a plumber and plumbers are like gold dust, especially as you block the toilet with crap scripts. And he does drive us about, the looks we get having him as a driver, it reflects well on us.

Have you got another script, Chase waved to the pile, at least 3 feet tall. So he tossed over another.  La Cage au Folles  don’t like the  title, is it French, Americans can’t speak French, it says on the front it’s about a Gay man  pretending to be straight.  No throw it away, put it on the chuck pile, Chuck. But we are like that, WE haven’t come out. But would you want to watch a film about us. NO they said in unison, and laughed like drains. And that is how they missed that one.

Besides  we are known for our ACTION films, do you think Clint or Sly or Arnie would like us if they knew we were gay. Chase was silent and blushed, what is it tell me, tell me now, I know you are hiding something. They know, I told them, it slipped out at the Producer’s Ball, I was in the Men’s Room drying my hands and I pumped into Clint by accident. I said sorry and he said it was fine, we are all buddies in his industry, then he winked, and so did Sly and Arnie. It’s the New Year, so make a resolution, you can come out, we’ve  been making bets as to when you’d come out. 50,000 is in the pool already. I did not know where to look, Sly bless his heart was the first to apologise, sorry, when YOU are ready, then YOU are ready. And that was 15 years ago. Why you think the 3 of them are so kind to us, it’s their way of saying sorry for kind of ambushing me. How much is in the pool now, 100,000 I heard tell. And who gets the money, nobody, Sly, Clint and Arnie insisted it go to the Rainbow Fund.

Ok as it’s the Producer’s ball next month we’ll come out then. What’s this script, The Producers, I like that title. Mel Brooks, never heard of him. Springtime for Hitler, a camp Hitler. How would we get any Jewish investors for it. No, just put that on the chuck file.

Now Hollywood is one big happy family. So at the Producers’ Ball Clint, Arnie and Sly all wore drag, in fact DRAG was the theme. So when Chase announced that Chuck and he were GAY and were coming out, the whole audience all said “THANK GOD FOR THAT” Maybe one day a Gay man will run for President, but that’d be Science Fiction.

Mel Brooks turned up with two Jewish ladies on his arms, ancient investors, they had faith in me, in my The Producers. He introduced them to Chase and Chuck, in fact it was their own mothers, but they all denied knowing each other. Simon and Garfunkel had come to play at the event, in a break from playing they came over to Chuck and Chase, Simon and Garry so great to see you again. Who asked Mel Brooks? Simon and Garfunkel  explained, here’s our new friend Ann, she takes her clothes off in the Graduate, have you met Mel Brooks they asked? Ann denied knowing him.

The moral of the story is, just be yourself, be happy as you are, and who you are. And if you are a film producer, Michael Casey the fat silver haired writer in shades from Birmingham England has a great big pile of stuff you should read and produce. Or do you want Chase and Chuck to beat you to the drawer?