Put Downs or Conversation Killers

Put Downs or Conversion Killers ©

By Michael Casey

They say Music soothes the savage beast, and it is true, we’ve seen Andy Williams on tv, now its Andre Rieu their Dublin concert. Today has been a pain day, and a few emails and phone calls we could do without. So this brings out the Savage Beast in me, I am no Disney when I have a day like this. However this evening as the pain dissipates it’s given me an idea to talk to you about.

 My daughter won an award for reaching one million words of reading at school, I think it’s probably double that at least judging by the groaning bookcases we have, and all the ebooks I get her from Amazon, tomorrow more books, physical books are due to arrive. They are not the kind of books I’d ever read, horrible is the word I’d use to describe them, Amazon must have a strange opinion of my reading tastes. I have as a writer past my one million words written, and I have not as yet received any prize.

It’s prizes which you get from email, loads and loads of prizes. As you know I take a walk every day for exercise and to go to Aldi which is the local big store, and everybody else seems to know this too. I now get emails from 10 other big name stores saying I have won prizes. As you also know all emails are READ, the email provider says they do not but they do. They scan everything for Keywords and then harvest the information in order to send you junk mail, junk email.

So every day I delete unread all these junk emails offering me vouchers and such like. I also get offers from USA companies, don’t they know I am in Birmingham, the one in England, not in the other place in the Deep South. So they merrily send and I merrily delete. Yes I would really love a home security system that electrocutes any burglars, let them fry on your doorstep, just reply to 555 911911911 and other such tempting offers.

I write about pain occasionally, well today is a pain day after all, so I get email offers for meds in USA or Canada. For 110 quid or 130 dollars a year perhaps I can get all the prescription meds I need on our NHS. I think a box of sticking plasters costs that much in USA. When the USA can match that then they have caught up with us, so may I ask Mr Trump to grown up and stop tweeting and do something about the costs of meds in his own county.

To get rid of emails its easy just delete them unopened and/or report them as phishing scams, but they have a trillion email addresses to hide behind, so as nice as that is, is it really of any use? It is so tempting as a writer to reply to the “I’m a widow, in a far away country, a good believer who wants to share 10,000,000dollars with you etc” Perhaps I should cut and paste a picture of the Devil and return it to all these fakers, or maybe a photo of my bare backside. The bare backside mighty be the best idea but it would soon be all over the Internet, Kim K has nothing on me, though a razor might be required before I really did use that photo idea.

Phone calls from far far away where they lie that they are from some car insurance company, only the time delay on the satellite as they are 6 time zones away, and their command of English is limited and very heavily accented, and I don’t mean a Brummie accent. Well those kind of people deserve what they get, and I give it to them both barrels of my verbal shotgun.

Sadly I don’t have any accent I had to speak clearly for my Shanghai wife and I spent too much time listening to speech radio, you can listen at http:/www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com   just keep on scrolling down till you find the audio, 2 hours’ worth.  Anyway I give evil phone callers all they deserve, I start crying and say I’m terminally ill and will they come to my funeral next week. Yes very close to the bone and to reality, but the best humour is always based on fact, or a grounded in truth, bend the truth and you get a lie, now doesn’t that remind you of somebody?

You can also make farm animal noises and pretend you are DEAF, yes DEAF and keep on saying, can you repeat that, sorry can you wait I have to go pee, which isn’t far off the truth anyway. And why do these bastards always ring when you are sitting on the toilet, so you rush and fall over your pants or down the stairs with brown fingers. So you can see these fake callers get all they deserve.

Sometimes it’s the Vicar or the Priest calling and I launch into my best performance, and he asks which hymns I want for my funeral as he sobs down the phone, so then I switch to a Scots or Irish accent and pretend it’s a wrong number. But it’s all the fake callers fault so I blame them, when I get my new phone that sends a magnetic pulse that wipes their computers clean they will get their just desserts.

I had this email from computerrevengaphonecaller.org.com.uk.ru.usa.ortib  that said if I clicked and entered all my bank details then automatically I could electrocute time wasting phone callers. It was the only email that was ever of use to me, or have I just been conned?