The Late Show at the Paradise Club

The Late Show at the Paradise Club (c)

By Michael Casey

Well its 27^th Dec and another star has died, 2016 has thinned out a lot of the stars, so we’ll miss them all. There should be room for new shoots to appear now, but what happens to the stars once they are stars in paradise, assuming you believe in any afterlife.

Just queue here, can you all put your bedroom slippers on we don’t like mud all over Heaven, Saint Peter is very strict about that, Angels’ Wing carpet is very hard to clean. It takes 15 years of humility on Earth to clean the carpet. Didn’t you know the worse things are on Earth the worse things are in Heaven. We are not whiter than white, we are a kind of dull grey most of the time. It takes extraordinary things on earth to brighten up heaven. Like when the Washington 2017 accord was agreed and nuclear weapons were cut by 50% at a stroke, now we were so happy in Heaven it was as if Colgate toothpaste had been used on the floor and walls and everywhere. We just sparkled.

So what happens when you are dead and you are arrive in Heaven, well you are given somebody on earth to watch over and pray for. The prayers you say into the Future will have helped you in the Past. Its complicated but Time is one of God’s biggest jokes. So you have to pray for somebody now you are in Heaven, a kind of extra Guardian Angel if you like, though I could be wrong I’m just telling you what I dreamed the other night, but it could have been as a result of too much soda pop. Or the 17 pints of Stella Artois and a packet of cheese and onion crisps I had with my Christmas dinner.

Singers become bricklayers, and actors make ham sandwiches, though all sandwiches are made from clouds they just taste different, depending on which Faith you had when you were alive. You have to do something totally different as soon as you cross the threshold, this is to teach humility. It's the Future which is important, nobody cares if you were Sinatra , what you were does not matter, its how you are going to spend your time in Heaven that counts.

Sinatra is in actual fact a toilet cleaner in Paradise, he is very good in this role, a Natural if you like. But he does insist on cleaning toilets HIS way, but as he is so good at it none of the angles tell him off. Liberace is here too, he is an electrician all those candles on his piano made it obvious that he'd become an electrician, he has a helper to help put the sparkle back into the stars. John Wayne is his helper as he is so tall Liberace can stand on his shoulders so he can reach for the stars to add more twinkle to them.

George Michael runs the Karaoke bar, no he's not the singer there he washes the bottles, we recycle everything here after all. Winston Churchill is the actual singer, him and Les Dawson the piano player, Mozart just polishes everything, its such a relief for him, not having his brain humming all the time. Charlie Chaplin is the doorman cum bouncer, then the sandwiches are made by that lady from the telly, cheese and onion crisps flavour. Her death has not been announced yet, but Heaven has her already making the sandwiches.

Is it boring in Heaven, Lord knows its not, something happens all the time. We don't have tv or theatre we just have 7,000,000,000 souls we can watch, its riveting, remember its all Free Will, so its better than gambling at Monaco, I can reveal I used to be a gambler, now I just do show arounds of Heaven. But my main job is tuning harps for the angels, I've been doing it for 1000 years and still the angels try and get Hannibal to tune their harps instead of me.

I suppose its good for my Humility, but Hannibal he just pours vinegar on everything and holds it outsides the gates of heaven and lets Hell's fires work its magic, it just cracks everything. Then the angels play even more fervently because they can taste the smoke of Hell on their harps. I don't understand it myself, Freud was not allowed into Heaven, he tried to 2^nd guess God. So he just loiters outside pulling faces.

What more can I say, its Winter here and we are waiting for the souls just saved from Hell, we always have a party for those saved at the last minute, they are really hot souls, and for us they are likeour storage radiators and we gather around to warm our hands around the. Then there is disco dancing and for one hour only can revert to what you are best at. So Sinatra stops cleaning toilets, and George Michael will stop washing bottles and they'll duet together, Charlie Chaplin and Mozart play backing on the pianos. There is more celebration in Heaven for a repentant sinner than your goody two shoes after all.