Can I be a Minister?

Can I be a Minister ? ©

By

Michael Casey

I’ve just being enjoying the news about Cameron’s new Cabinet, I am a news geek, I can remember watching Sir Robin Day on tv, me and  my dad together nearly 50 years ago now. Perhaps I should have done PPE at Cambridge,  then I could try for a Cabinet post.

White male and over 50, would that get me a post in Cabinet? I heard they want more females in the Government, to try and entice voters to vote Tory in the next election. I could always wear a dress and shave my legs, arms, and back and all other places too. I would make a better woman than Danny la Rue, I would have to shave twice a day though,  those BBC news studio lights are so unforgiving. Eddie Izzard could give me fashion tips, I know he is a Labour man/woman but us transvestites should stick together.

What qualities can I bring to Cabinet? I have a posh Brummie accent, I look distinguished or is it extinguished with my mane of silver hair, I’m not slim so that makes me normal. Voters would like me, a Brummie version of Tom Jones, but without the singing voice and wearing long-johns, poking out from the bottom of my trousers.

I watch Sky tv too, so that makes me a man of the people, I don’t know anything about sport as I cannot afford the Sky sports channels, but I can always glance at the back page of the Sun and pretend. I do know about films as we watch loads of them, me and my 3 girls, though we cannot afford Sky movies package either, though there are 10 free film channels if you like.

I go to church or should I say Mass on Sundays, but I can lie and say I’m C of E then I’m sure I’ll win votes. Though if I was really pretending to be a man of the people I’d say I use Sunday to sober up after lots of drinking on a Saturday night, me and my friend Nigel, I cannot remember his surname but it begins with an F and sounds French, rhymes with garage. I will of course say that I hate the French too, doesn’t everybody?    

I won’t tell anybody I have a place in the south of France, and one in Italy too, I’ll say I go on package holidays to Benidorm, me and my friend Ed and his friend Ed who talks a lot of b_.

So please Dave, and everybody will be told to call you Dave again, up until the Election again, please Dave can I be a minister now. I promise not to steal your wife’s lipstick again, nor steal her stockings when I was pretending to use the loo.

Its time you had a Brummie transvestite, ex rugby play, yes I really was, 40 years ago, a transvestite would really swing it for you, swing it both ways all the way into the Tory camp. Think of the adulation, think of really being a Tory PM, without those Liberal losers cramping your style, just do one thing for me though, don’t leave the toilet seat up any more.



p.s.I could tell everybody I have Arthur, my arthritis then we'd get all the Express readers on our side too.