Checking out the Checkout ©
By Michael Casey
Maybe I’m old fashioned, or maybe it’s a form of sport for
me, but I enjoy the checkout process, it’s fun. I believe in having a chat as
you buy your stuff. Self- service tills are evil, they lead to unemployment, I
speak as somebody who had family work in shops. I also speak as the writer of
Shoplife a comic play of mine, it nearly made me famous over twenty years ago.
I also did 3 years front of house at the 4star CPNEC.
So why do I think the checkout is fun? Well as I watch the
staff two or three of them if I’m in a supermarket, or just one if I’m
elsewhere I observe them and see who is good who is bad and who is sad.
Occasionally I say I’m the mystery shopper, just for fun. Just to see their
reaction. They probably think I a boring old fart, but perhaps he IS the
mystery shopper.
They are all taught to make eye contact, which is hard as I
wear shades most of the time, not as a pose, I really need them, 20plus years
in dark computer rooms means that I squint in tiny amounts of sun. So they look
up and see their own reflection in my shades. But they are nice as a rule. Some
will have dead eyes, too much time spent on the pop the night before. Some are
clockwatching, they want to go home. Some need to go home, they have the school
run to do.
While in the queue I think which joke shall I rehearse with
the checkout girl/boy. You can test your material while you have your 40
seconds at the till. Perhaps stand ups should be forced to test their material
at the checkout before boring us at the club, he should have tested it at Lidl
first would be the whisper.
There is banter too from checkout to checkout, so you can
watch and enjoy the free show. Sometimes the checkout crew can hand you a line
on a plate, and you just forehand smash it. Laughter reins. I remember Andy on
the switchboard from my hotel days. When things were quiet I’d say something
and he would ace it with his reply. Sometimes deliberately I fed the line,
other times he was just quick. But the ambience was great. Andy would wrinkle
up his face and purse his lips before SMASH, we were laughing. CPNEC was known
as a very friendly hotel, the
recruitment process chose smiling faces. Andy would go to his lunch and I’d
cover on his switchboard while he relaxed for 30mins. I really admire Andy, his
disability meant he had to use two sticks, but he’d hold them up like two
fingers, nothing would get him down.
Little old ladies and the lonely get comfort as well as
shopping when they go shopping. That’s why I admire checkout folk, they really
do make a difference. That little bit of human contact can and does make the
difference. I like to have fun with the manager too. There is some hand held
computer thingy which they use to count stock. So I always ask the manager has
she Tazered any staff or shoplifters today. Or you can ask the checkout girl
how fast can they run, then you add you won’t bother doing any shoplifting that
day.
So that’s my view on checkouts, and I can hear you all
asking how often does the Checkout Closed
suddenly appear when I approach the till?
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