Through My Letter Box

Through My Letter Box ©

By Michael Casey

 

I don’t know about you but I’m sick and tired of junk mail coming through my letter box. Where we live we have tons of fast food outlets, maybe 15 all  within a ten minute walk of the house. A young man’s delight no doubt, not to mention 3 pubs, and it used to be 4 pubs.

 

Now  if the junk mail, or should I say leaflets were for local fast food places it wouldn’t be so bad, but it’s for places you have to catch a bus to find them. Can I borrow the Sat Nav love? I’m going to buy some chips and a pizza, its only 99p at the Truly The Best Chip Emporium Ever. So clutching the leaflet I’ll set off to find this chip heaven, walking not driving either, I cannot drive after all. You cannot drive and eat chips at the same time after all, well legally you cannot, but don’t get me started on all the illegal driving companion activities, are they all just trying to kill me while I cross the road. When you get there it’s so far away they have a different English accent, so you point to the sign on the wall, it would have been better to go to MacDonalds. So why do they put their rubbish leaflets through my door?

 

Recycle bins are ugly, we have 3 huge ones in our back garden, no wonder we have so many burglaries, thieves just stand on them to break into peoples’ houses.  I suppose after eating so much fast food, as advertised by all the leaflets coming through all the letter boxes; the thieves only break in so that they can  raise money to go to health farms. At the health farms young girls wearing plastic gloves squeeze out all the spots created by eating all the junk food as advertised by the junk food leaflets coming through my letter box. I feel like a victim and have a complex, why me, why me, why do I have to suffer from sick letter box syndrome, sob, it’s too much for me.

 

I did think of getting a crocodile that was trained to eat the fingers of junk mail deliverers, I wouldn’t need to feed it either as finger food would be enough. But the children want a cat so I suppose we’ll have to get a cat. But it will be an evil cat who will scratch any junk food leaflet deliverer.  Or perhaps I should get some Chinese scientist friends to develop a sensor that pukes back any junk leaflet all over the leaflet deliverers, and it would spay a scent of puke all over the deliverer.

Now that’s what I’m tempted to do, but instead we have an overweight recycle bin that’s covered in spots, thanks to all the junk food leaflets inside it. If the Council did some market research perhaps they’d be a byelaw stating “NO JUNK FOOD LEAFLETS” Global Warming would be sorted in one fell swoop too.