Trump’s latest Cabinet meeting featured peace in the Middle East ... and Tylenol-gobbling placenta carriers
Amid a government shutdown, Trump convened his Cabinet to celebrate his own diplomatic genius and attack his political enemies — while RFK Jr and JD Vance said the quiet part out loud, writes Holly Baxter
It’s another banner day in the American Republic’s ongoing experiment with gallows humor: the government is shut down, the lights are off — and yet somehow there’s still a camera crew set up in the West Wing to film Donald Trump congratulating himself for peace in the Middle East.
But wait! It’s not just that. It’s the entire cabinet today, a veritable carnival of overfed egos: JD Vance, who looks more and more like the meme of himself every day (you know, that one); War Daddy Pete Hegseth; Lil’ Marco (now back in favor); Kristi “I’ll deport your grandmother to CECOT then kill your puppy when I get home” Noem; the most disappointing member of the Kennedy family; a former pro-wrestling executive; and so many more.
Boy, did they have a lot to say for themselves today! But let’s start with their dear leader, Donald J, almost-maybe recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize, almost-maybe King of America, and who cares whether your veterans’ benefits are in your account or your local DMV is open because KAMALA ONCE CALLED IT A CLOSE ELECTION!
Unsurprisingly, Donald declared himself the architect of peace in the Middle East and also claimed that he was personally responsible for ending eight separate wars; that’s par for the course. Unsurprisingly, he said the 2020 election wasn’t real. Unsurprisingly, he called the government shutdown a “Democratic shutdown,” and unsurprisingly, he ranted on about Nancy Pelosi and AOC, because he’s resurrecting that whole shtick recently.
Also unsurprisingly, he claimed that his side is full of “high-IQ people,” which I’ve heard is what people with measurably high IQs always call themselves. And by the way, Russia wouldn’t have invaded Ukraine if he were president, and it’s “transgender for everybody” these days and “we’re going to find” the American anarchists who are “making beautiful signs.”
We’re used to Trump sounding this erratic. We’re also used to being told that it’s fine, because he mouths off, but the sensible people around him can mediate the message.
Except now the sensible people are getting targeted for writing Trump-critical memoirs or federally indicted. And the people who are still in the room with him… well, today they certainly spoke for themselves.
Hot off the heels of discussion about the famously only Jewish state reaching a peace deal with a famously Muslim state, RFK Jr. took some time to claim that people who were circumcised as babies “have double the rate of autism” — and then linked that (likely in his own head) to the babies being given Tylenol for the pain of the procedure. That might sour things with Netanyahu a little bit, but stay with him!
In came JD Vance, with a truly head-scratching claim that Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is “one of the most famous Palestinians in the world.” No, it didn’t make any more sense in context (the context was, still, the Middle East deal.)
On the surface, one might think that Schumer, the highest-ranking Jewish man in US elected history — who has written a well-respected book about antisemitism — probably wouldn’t be your first choice for “most famous Palestinian in the world.” And honestly, this seemed pretty weird even for Vance, who is usually expected to play the straight man to Trump’s freewheeling, populist buffoon.
The fact that he’s throwing around those kinds of quotes shows how far down the rabbit hole the MAGA crew has gone in the past few weeks. But then came RFK — sorry, “Bobby” — to one-up him.
“This morning, before I got in here, somebody showed me a TikTok video of a pregnant woman, eight months pregnant,” he told the gathered members of the sitting government. “She is an associate professor at the Columbia Medical School, and she is saying ‘F Trump’ and gobbling Tylenol with her baby in her placenta.” He really said those words.
As a formerly pregnant woman who once gobbled Tylenol with my baby in my placenta, I probably should recuse myself from commentary on that particular tidbit. But the fact that the Health Secretary is admitting he spent the hours before a Cabinet meeting trading TikToks? Well, what else would you expect from a group of high-IQ individuals?
Among the madness, there were a few short sentences worth paying attention to. One was when Trump referred to protesters as “degenerates.” It was a publicity misstep, considering how famously the Republicans ran with a similar “deplorables” comment by Hillary Clinton in 2016. Another was when he referred to 70,000 dead in Gaza as Hamas “retribution,” and I think most of us can understand the chilling inhumanity in that.
Yet another standout moment was when Vance lavished an inordinate amount of praise on the president, going so far as to tout his real estate achievements, his celebrity fame and his “personal touch.” It felt ... desperate.
What do we take from this, so soon after the “Antifa roundtable” that promised countrywide suppression of civil liberties and no more free speech from the anti-anti-fascists?
First off, Vance, who was once seen as the natural 2028 pick and a more buttoned-up foil to Trump, has been pushed into sycophancy at all costs. In his debate with Tim Walz, many — myself included — were surprised at how well Vance came across. He proved himself to be a skilful orator. That skill seems to have withered in favor of toeing the line with the big leader.
Secondly, it is clearly no longer just the president who now spends a significant amount of his time in a social media echo chamber: that has become a governing style for the entire Cabinet.
And thirdly, decorum is out the window. Language that makes sense is out the window. Everything is about flattering Trump and kowtowing to his worldview — meaning that even when they’re ostensibly winning, the Republicans surrounding him look increasingly ridiculous. What could have been a victory lap today turned into a show of smiling and nodding while he meandered his way through the same, tired talking points that increasingly have people asking whether he’s had a cognitive assessment lately.
The main takeaways from the sludge: Having solved peace in the Middle East, Trump and his ragtag band of lovable misfits are now going to spend time sending in the rifle-carrying National Guard to suppress a much more dangerous enemy: the anti-fascist protesters (sorry, “degenerates”) of Portland, Oregon and Chicago. And healthcare is only getting better under Trump, even though Marjorie Taylor Greene broke ranks just this morning to go on CNN and support Obamacare.
And where the hell is that Nobel Prize anyway? Can we arrest people if they don’t award him it?
I’m pretty sure MTG talking sense in public is either the third or the fourth horse of the apocalypse, by the way. So strap in, everyone — I hope you’ve been gobbling enough Tylenol to get you through to the midterms, because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
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