Michael Casey email only michaelgcasey@hotmail.com
In the hope that you buy the entire book for 3usd or 2 quid
here's a sample 1st chapter, and yes the end really did happen to somebody in a drunken stupor, can you can who? that's why I included it in the book.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC
The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker ©
by
Michael Casey
Chapter One Funeral
Mrs Flynn's funeral fell on a Wednesday , early closing , so all
the shopkeepers were able to attend . Mrs Flynn had been loved by
everybody - she was the local gossip . It was her words which formed a
kind of chattering cement that bound the street of shops together .
Everybody attended :- Patrick from the bakery , Amjit from the
general store , Peter from the fish shop and the girls from the clothes
and shoe shops . All the street wanted to show their respect . Big Sid
from the butchers stood beside a grieving Mr Flynn offering emotional and
physical support , at one point Mr Flynn nearly stumbled into the grave
such was his grief , he would have fallen in save for Big Sid holding his
arm . It was all so sad , everybody had a special memory of Mrs Flynn and
her outrageous gossip , though not as accurate as Reuters , she was always
faster and certainly always of interest - yes she'd be sorely missed .
As Percy the undertaker lowered the coffin a tear fell from his
eye , he was used to this sad business but even he could not restrain the
tears . People thought undertakers had no emotions but they did , they
were trained to hide their emotions just as doctors do .Sid's enormous
hands held Mr Flynn upright as the mourners filed past throwing earth on
the coffin . Then with a terrible sigh that meant far more than a
thousand words Mr Flynn moved away from the graveside , Sid bearing him
up. Slowly and sadly everybody got into their cars and vans and followed
the funeral cars down the hill and down towards the street . It would have
looked almost comical all the signs on the side of the vans , like a
moving advert for the street of shops .Almost comical but for the sad
tearful faces , but for the crushed look of anguish on Mr Flynn's face ,
with Sid beside him like an enormous St. Christopher feeling so awkward .
At the bottom of the hill Sgt Mulholland was waiting for the
mourners .
"Just park where the police bollards are , its ok for three hours " , he
said while casting a glance at Mr Flynn .
Mark and Gillian came out of the cafe to greet the mourners , that's if
greet is the right word on such a sad occasion .
"She'll be missed " , said Mark as he nervously played with his apron
strings.
"She was a wonderful woman " , said Gillian gathering George Flynn up
in a motherly embrace and leading him into the cafe .
"Yes , she always said she was - and she was right" , replied George with
a sigh .
As George was lead inside the shopkeepers all parked and walked
in slow procession into the cafe . Gillian was mothering George at the
counter so Patrick had a word with Mark .
"Did it go well , he's not taking it too badly is he ? " asked Mark as he
watched his wife hold George's hand to comfort him .
"He seems to be bearing up well , Big Sid is going to have him at his
house for a week after we finish here " , Patrick replied as he looked
around the cafe at all the friends Mrs Flynn had .
"That's good , he won't want to be in his own house all alone , well not
for a few days anyway" said Mark as he flicked some crumbs off his apron .
George squeezed Gillian's hand in thanks before making his way to the
other side of the cafe where Patrick and Mark were .
"Thanks for arranging this , Mark " he said moving his hands around .
Patrick noticed that his hands were shaking though George's voice appeared
to be holding steady again .
"I'm sorry we didn't get to the funeral , this took longer to arrange
than anticipated" said Mark .
"You were there in spirit " was George's reply , the words seemed to hurt
him , the tears started to flow again .
"You need some more tea , Gillian more tea for the gentleman " said Mark
hurriedly , making his escape for he felt like a trapped man .
"I'm so silly " , said George searching for his handkerchief .
"Not at all" , Patrick replied as he handed George his own handkerchief.
"Tea , hot and sweet as you like it " breezed in Gillian trying to
lighten things up a bit .
"Thanks lover" said George .
"Don't let Mark hear you or it'll mean divorce " Gillian laughed though
in her heart she was crying .
George sipped his tea and Patrick watched feeling so uneasy ,
how could he a meer child compared to George comfort him , a man who'd
lost half his life after fifty years . The answer came from Big Sid who
came lumbering up like a baby elelpant , bursting out his XXXXX size black
suit with an enormous bottle of whiskey in his hand , though in Sid's hand
it could be mistaken for a miniature .
"Come on George get this down you " , said Sid as he poured some whisky
into George's cup of tea .
"You'll get me drunk " said George with a sigh .
"It'll warm the cockles of your heart its just what you need " came the
beltched reply from Sid .
Everybody in the cafe laughed , out of relief more than anything . So
George said cheers to everybody then drunk his tea .
"If its good enough for the Irish then its good enough for us , I mean
they get drunk at funerals - don't they Patrick? " demanded Sid .
"If you mean the wake then you are kind of right " replied Patrick with a
faint trace of a smile .
"Case proven , I'll be back in a minute " said Sid as he spun off into
the crowd dispensing whisky into every cup in the cafe . In a minute he
was back beside Patrick and George .
"Where's my cup " asked Sid looking around .
"Search me " said Patrick with a shrugg of his shoulders .
"Well I'll do without " said Sid putting the bottle to his lips and
downing what must have been half a pint .
Gillian pointed at Sid , so Mark decided he'd have to say
something .
"Before you all get drunk can you at least try and eat some of the food "
he said pretending to be pleading .
"Yes I'm a bit peckish " , said Sid as he lowered th whisky bottle from
his lips , in time to belch again .
"I suppose we should , she'd have wanted it " said George with a sigh .
George went towards the buffet and started to help himself ,
everybody else followed . The shop girls then gathered him up to wrap him
up in their collective embrace . As they cooed over him Sgt Mulholland
came in .
"Thanks for arranging the parking "Muls" " , said Patrick as he trust a
drink into the Sgt's hand .
"It was nothing that's what the police are there for , besides it is a
Wednesday so not much traffic around here " replied the Sgt .
"If it was nothing then I'll take the drink back " said Patrick reaching
for the drink .
"If I didn't go to school with you I'd smack your mouth " joked the Sgt.
"You did that already "
"When " said the Sgt sipping his whisky " This is good " he added .
"Fourth Year Inter School Rugby Match . I was in "Normans" and you were
in the "Danes" if I remember rightly . I wouldn't give you the ball so
you dropped me . " said Patrick while trying to keep a straight face .
"Sometimes I think that smack must have addled your brain . It must be
nearly twenty years ago to be sure - In fact I know it HAS addled your
brain " , replied the Sgt before sipping knowingly at his whisky .
"So I've got an addled brain have I ?" said Patrick pretending to be
indignant .
"Yes , you were always smarter than me but you left school . "
"Well my dad died and I wanted to be the wage earner ."
"But your dad left you the bakery . "
"So " , said Patrick who was by now really indignant .
"So , what did you do , did you take over the business ?"
" I became a wage earner . "
"A baker in your father's footsteps ? "
"No , a milkman . "
"And the bakery business doing so well . "
"Well , I like to be different " , said Patrick like a four year old .
"Which just proves that that smack did addle your brain . "
"You can talk , but what about you " , said Patrick waving his finger .
"I stayed on at school ."
"And you got three A Levels "
"Yes I did , us Irish aren't all as stupid as you "
They paused while Patrick refilled their glasses , around them people
were almost enjoying themselves , thanks to more bottles of whisky that
had appeared from nowhere . After savouring their drinks for a moment
Patrick and Sgt. Mulholland resumed their debate as to who was the more
stupid .
"But what did you do with your three A Levels ?"
"I became a policeman " replied the now indignant Sgt .
"You forgot to say that you turned down a University place to become a
"copper" " , said Patrick as if damning the Sgt from the pulpit .
"I thought you'd forgotten that " said a crestfallen Sgt .
"Well I didn't "Muls" , and another thing that you've forgotten ."
"What " , said the Sgt pulling himself up to his full high and brushing
down the front of his uniform .
"You are drinking on duty " said a gloating Patrick .
"Well "Patrick " one thing you forgot about "Muls" here is that I can
drink a bottle of whisky and not be drunk " replied the Sgt his chest
swelled with pride .
"Oh S-"
"Language , you don't want me to arrest you do you " said the Sgt before
bursting into laughter .
Patrick joined in , though the shop girls thought that he was a bit too
happy for a funeral .
"It's ok girls , its what Mrs Flynn would have wanted " said George .
So the girls contented themselves with some laser looks in Patrick's
direction before resuming their cooing around George .
"I should have remembered that you come from a long line of Poteen makers
, so that nothing will get you drunk " laughed Patrick .
"Oh I can get drunk but it has to be good stuff " , replied the
triumphant Sgt , before downing the last of his drink .
" I'll be off now , but I have one thing to say to you "
"What's that ?" asked a still smiling Patrick .
"Evening all " said the Sgt as he staggered out the cafe . As Patrick
watched him go he could see that once on the street the Sgt. was as sober
as a judge .
Patrick downed the last drop in his glass with a warm smile on his lips
Amjit appeared behind him with a bottle to refill his glass .
"You're like one of Paul Daniels rabbits creeping up on me" .
"That's what you always say " replied Amjit as he filled Patrick's
glass.
"You Irish certainly enjoy a funeral " he continued as he refilled
his own glass .
"Your lot don't do too bad , didn't you say you have a kind of party
at the Temple" .
"Touche " answered Amjit in mock toast .
"Enough of this anyway , what about poor old George" interrupted
Patrick as nodded in George's direction .
"I really don't know " said Amjit shaking his head as he stared down
into the bottom of his glass looking for an answer.
"Her gossip helped make this street what it is and now she's gone"
"If only George could carry on her work" murmured Amjit .
Patrick and Amjit looked at one another in an instant , the same thought
in their minds .
"George can be the new street gossip " they said in unison .
"Sometimes I think you are half Indian " .
"No you must be half Irish " came Patrick's quick reply .
They laughed , and again Patrick received laser looks from the shop
girls . So the pair had more to drink to stiffle their laughter .
"I remember the last piece of news Mrs Flynn told me" said Amjit trying
to keep a straight face .
Patrick took another sip from his glass before asking "What was that ?"
"Only that you and Tracy from the shoe shop were getting serious " .
Patrick rolled his eyes before hissing his reply , " I am even pestered
from the grave, everybody is trying to marry me off." He took another sip
before continuing . "Yes we did go out once or twice , but then she hinted
that if it DID get serious that I'd have to live in a house and not in a
flat above the bakery " .
"That's a thought , I couldn't help overhearing what Sgt . Mulholland
was saying " .
"What !" said a rather irritated Patrick .
"Well how come you a milkman even though you own a bakery ? "
"I think evrybody has big ears around here ! "
"My Jaswinder loves Big Ears " said a smiling Amjit .
Patrick just shook his head and filled his glass again before continuing
"Well to repeat myself , my dad died and left me the bakery , as I was
only sixteen at the time I decide that I would go to work and become the
man of the house . But being sixteen I became a milkman , just to be
different , and as I liked the idea of driving a milk float . I did not
like the idea of tradition at that age " said Patrick through clenched
teeth .
"My you are touchy sometimes " said Amjit .
"Sorry , Amjit , its just that I hoped that Tracy would be the one " said
a slightly dejected Patrick .
Amjit put his hand on Patrick's shoulder to console him , then a slow
flicker of a smile passed over Amjit's lips .
"Mind you it would be great news for George to start his new career with"
he said trying to keep a straight face .
"Just you dare , and I'll I'll I'll " spluttered Patrick .
"Oh no you don't mean you'll Marmellize me " said Amjit .
They both let out a peal of laughter , which earned them both more laser
looks , especially from Tracy .
"Oh by the way Amjit I won't be around for dinner tonight "
"Why's that ?" said Amjit raising his eybrows half expecting a joke .
"I'm off to another dance " was the almost embarrassed reply .
"I think you could learn a thing or two from us Indians " .
"What's that ?"
"Arranged Marriage ".
"Sometimes I think you may be right " said Patrick looking into the
bottom of his glass as if consulting an oracle .
" I think we better circulate before you get too sad " , said Amjit with
a trace of laughter in his voice .
"Oh yea , I'll go and talk to Mark " said Patrick finishing his drink .
Amjit watched Patrick move away , he really did feel sorry for him ,
Patrick had everything and yet he lacked the thing he needed most - a wife
"Well what did you think of the food? " demanded Mark as Patrick
approached .
"It looks great as usual , though I have to confess I've been drinking
mostly . Where did all the booze come from by the way ? "
"Wayne of course , stupid . " relied Mark as he flicked crumbs from his
counter .
"I'm still amazed that you gave up the 5 star life for this " said
Patrick motioning with his hands .
"Well I've done it all in the big cafes that aren't cafes but restaurants
and in hotels all over Europe . But home is where the heart is , So I came
back to try and educate you lot " replied Mark as he thrust a plate of
food at Patrick and took his glass away .
"Thanks , I am a bit hungry now " said Patrick as he tucked in like a
starved man . " But why come back here " he mumbled between mouthfuls .
"Well not for the money " laughed Mark " But to be honest I like to see
people eating what I've prepared . In a five star hotel you are stuck down
in a basement , you may as well be in a nuclear submarine at the bottom of
a fiord . You never can see peoples reaction to your WORK " .
"Well this is good" belched Patrick .
"I could tell by your table manners that you enjoyed it " joked Mark .
"So you are an artist" said Patrick trying to appear understanding though
he was not that convincing .
"Yes , I am an artist ; and judging by the way Sid is passing the whisky
around we'll all be piss artists very soon " , replied Mark as he nodded
in Sid's direction .
Patrick looked over to see Sid pouring whisky into everybody's cups .
"I think you may be right " he said between deep gulps of breath .
At that moment the cafe door open and Winston came in looking slightly
confused as to what was going on . Winston went to the counter to see if
Mark could explain .
"If this is a private party then why wasn't I invited ? "
"It's not really a party , Winston , Mrs Flynn died , it was her funeral
today " said Patrick quietly .
"Your joking , man I saw her a few days ago , she was waving her arms
about telling some outrageous story no doubt " .
Patrick shook his head , Winston shook his in disbelief before looking
at Mark to see if it were really true .
"But man she was a nice lady , a real nice lady , that is bad , real bad
news " he shook his head again , his dreadlocks beating on his shoulders .
"Where have you been , you must be the only one who didn't know " asked
Mark .
"Bus- iness " drooled Winston .
"Oh , you mean your pirate station had to move again " said Patrick as he
pushed another salmon sandwich into his mouth .
"What , what , what are you talking about man " stammered Winston trying
to be innocent , and failing totally .
"It's ok , Winston , everybody knows , absolutely everybody " replied
Mark as he reached back and produced a plate of sandwiches for a shocked
Winston .
"But how man , how ! " .
"I'm afraid its my mother , she was fiddling with the radio one day and
came across your station . " Patrick replied as he munched another
sandwich .
"He forgot to say that Curly your engineer is on his milk round " added
Mark .
"You know Curly " smiled Winston , showing the flecks of gold fillings .
"Tall lad , thin - with no hair " muttered Patrick between sandwiches .
"That's my man " .
"Oh if you see him , tell him he'll not get his yougarts for a while ,
the supplier is on strike .
"Will do " smiled Winston .
Mark handed Winston a cup of tea , before Winston could ask .
"You always do that " Winston smiled his thanks to Mark before taking a
sip .
Winston looked puzzled , then sipped again , before looking from Patrick
to Mark .
"Is this what I think it is ? "
"Sorry I should have warned you , Sid wasn't content with putting whisky
into cups of tea . He put a quart in the pot too " , appologised Mark .
"It's ok man , this is re-al-ly crucial " smiled Winston .
"You better not have to much tea if you are driving that car of yours"
added Mark .
"It's ok I'll just have this one then I'll say how sad it is to George
then I'll be off " .
Winston finished his tea then winking at Patrick and Mark he made his way
over to George who was still wrapped up in the collective warm embrace
of the shop girls . As Winston approached George to offer his sympathy the
door to the cafe opened and a large yet timid figure entered . Winston
turned to see who it was , it was Mathew . Winston went and "gave five" to
him , which was returned in a childlike fashion , for Mathew was a child ,
a fourty year old child , the shop girls and George looked on and smiled
their greetings to Mathew . Mathew grinned with pleasure , then happy he
strode towards the counter . Meanwhile Winston urged George to "stay cool"
before making his exit .
"Well Mathew what can we do for you " , asked Mark .
"Mom sent me for a walk " , was the reply which faded into silence .
"But you do want a milk shake " prompted Patrick .
"Yep " came the toothy lobsided reply which was mixed with relief as
if like an actor Mathew had remembered his lines in the nick of time .
"One milk shake for the Man " demanded Patrick .
"Certainly , Sir , coming right up " fawned Mark as he jumped to
attention .
"Can I have banana flavour ? " , enquired Mathew shyly .
"Did you hear that , my man ? " , Patrick said haughtily , snapping his
fingers for effect .
"Yes Sir , certainly Sir " grovelled Mark as he expertly make and
produced the milk shake with a flourish .
Mathew looked at the two of them and giggled , the saliva dripping down
between the gap in his uneven teeth . Mathew liked having a milk shake
it made him feel important , he felt wanted , he felt loved .
Meanwhile George was begining to suffer from Sid's kindness , and was
by now beginning to sway . So Patrick nodded at Mark before patting Mathew
on the shoulder and marched to the rescue .
"Sid , can you give Mark a hand , you'll see enough of George over the
next few days "
"Oh sure , Patrick " .
Sid started to walk away before swinging around like a ball on a chain
to hand Patrick a quart bottle of whisky , before going to offer his help
to Mark . George was getting quite lonesome by now , a natural enough
state though now exaggerated by at least half a pint of whisky if
Patrick was any judge of Sid's pouring arm .
"She was a luvly woman , my Daisy " sighed George .
This was a shock in itself for Patrick as he had always known her as Mrs
Flynn , and for a split second he wondered who this "Daisy" was , seeing
as his own whisky intake was quite high too .
George continued "She gave me a cup of tea in bed , everyday , every
morning of our married life , she never missed , not one day . We would
have a little chat before I'd go off to work " .
Patrick put his arm around George in a vain effort to comfort , Tracy did
the same so that for a moment Tracy's hand touched Patrick's , happiness
lost comforting love lost . They looked at each other for a moment then
looked down at George again , they both gulped .
"Here have this " , said Patrick as he passed George his own handkerchief
giving Tracy one last look , they both knew it was not meant to be , all
they could do now was try and comfort a mutual friend . Tracy melted into
the wall of motherly concern , a tear falling from her eye , not for
George but for her and for Patrick .
"She kept the house so clean , I never did any of the household jobs ,
she said it was woman's work , how could a meer man tidy a home " sighed
George looking around looking for understanding .
He began to sob again , silent silvery tears ,they rolled down his long
nose , he made no effort to wipe them away , the tears dripped from his
nose into the sea of sorrow that was his cup of tea . George was such a
sad figure after so many years of marriage and now he was all alone , so
totally alone .
The girls all touched George's shoulder offering all their strength ,
their support for this mournful man .
"Sorry , I shouldn't be crying , Daisy told me not to cry , she said it
was only nature and that we'd meet in paradise" .
"Certainly , George , Of course you will " came the choked reply form
Tracy .
"Daisy said she wanted me to marry again , and before six months is up she
said , she was most insistant ."
Everybody exchanged uneasy glances , the strain must be too much for him
surely. George noticed the shuffling feet so he explained between dabbing
his tears .
"Not just recent like but years ago , Over thirty years ago she said it.
When you are together as long as us you can talk about everything . It's
not the youngsters who talk , us old uns have DONE , SEEN and HAD better
experiences you know . We can teach the young a thing or too , they can
be so naive the young uns . Well Daisy said "NO TEARS" , and she wants me
married again before the six months are up " .
"She was a treasure , you were lucky to have her so long , I only hope I'm
so lucky " said Patrick .
Tracy just looked at her shoes as she heard this , if only she could turn
the clock back but it was too late now and she knew it .
"Come on , tell us the story about Sid's grandchildren , you know the
one when he was supposed to be the grandfather of quins " , said Theresa
hoping to lessen the atmosphere of agony .
"Go on , George , it was one of Daisy's best ones " , they all chimed .
So dabbing his nose George cleared his throat then began .
"Well " , he paused and looked at the faces gathered around him "do you
really want to hear this ?" .
"Yes of course" , they all chimed .
"Then I'll tell it " he said sighing .
"Good old George" , said Theresa from the Post Office .
"As you know Sid's daughter Amanda was expecting , his only daughter ,
his only child , and she was expecting , it would be his first grandchild.
Well Daisy was in the butchers so she heard all about it from Sid . She
was pleased for Sid , well we all were as we know how much Sid loves
children , so she said just in the line of conversation "what if its
twins" . Now the very thought of twins turned Sids head - so he told
everybody who came in the shop that he'd be the grandfather of twins " .
George paused to smile at the memory of it , some of his usual sparkle
returned to his eyes , a tear also fell , but it was not a tear for
sorrow but one for remembered happiness . Patrick filled George's glass
again and George took a sip .
"But how did twins become quads " , prompted Theresa .
"Go on tell us " , said Mary .
"As a matter of fact it was sextu , sextu _ what I mean to say is six
babies , these fancy words are too much for me . "
"Sexupletes , blimey think of the pain , I'd tell any husband of mine to
have them himself " , said an indignant Tracy .
Patrick though to himself what a lucky escape he'd had , before George
continued .
"As you know Amanda is a big girl , like Sid himself . Its eating meat
four times a day that does it . Anyway Amanda had a scan , this was about
the time of the Walton babies were in the news , and the scan said it was
twins " .
"So your Daisy was right " , said Theresa .
"Yes , and she only sid it as conversation " said George .
"Sid was very happy of course " , said Patrick .
"Yes , so when the gossip got around helped by Daisy the twins became
more than twins . Any good bit of gossip gets mangled and confused a bit ,
I remember in the war "Bullets are not made of lead , became Hitlers dead"
so it was very easy for the twins to multiply " , said George with a
smile.
"Sid had posters in the shop of the twins for months after they were
born" said Theresa .
"Until some unkind person said was he selling baby meat " said George .
"The horrid man " said Mary .
"But we got our own back on smiling Paul later " said George still
smiling .
As Sid was staggering back over in their direction Patrick decided to
change the conversation ,he was interrupted by Sid's lumbering presence .
"I'd better drive you home George " , slurred Sid .
Patrick rolled his eyes in horror , if Sid was breath tested the policeman
would turn green never mind the crystals .
"Do you think thats a good idea " , said Theresa .
"I'm ok for driving " , slurred Sid .
"But you have had just a bit to drink " , ventured Patrick .
"Are you saying I'm drunk " slurred an indignant Sid , looking as red
faced as the bull in the meat posters in his shop .
"Course not " , lied Patrick .
At that moment Michael the old taxi driver entered the shop and made his
way to the counter , seeing him , Patrick gave a sigh of relief .
"Just don't leave the cafe Sid , I'll be back in a second " , said a
relieved Patrick .
Patrick joined Michael who was drinking tea , just tea as Mark had made a
fresh pot , at the counter .
"Well Michael , you're just in the nick of time " said Patrick /
"Why's that ?"
"Sid's only as pissed as a fart and he wants to drive George home ,
that's all " .
"So you want me to do the honours " , said Michael as he dunked a biscuit
in his tea .
"If you could , Sid means well but he has had a lot to drink " .
"You all have looking at you " , Michael looked at the mourners who by
now all looked slightly worst for wear thanks in the main to Sid's pouring
arm .
So Michael finished his tea , scooping out half a biscuit that had
disolved to the bottom of the cup and savouring the taste before he
announced. "Duty calls then " .
"SID , George your taxi awaits " , proclaimed a relieved Patrick .
So Patrick took Sid by the arm and led him to the taxi while the girls
gave motherly embraces to George and reminded him to "Stay happy thats
what Daisy would have wanted " . The girls bore George out of the cafe and
into the taxi keeping him close to their collective breast , then with
a final hug from Theresa , Michael drove George and Sid away .
Back in the cafe Percy had come in for a cuppa , having finished more
sad business , Bill was with Percy . Patrick joined him at the counter .
"Hello , Percy , this is all so sad isn't it ? " , said Patrick .
"I know , it hurts me too you know , burying a friend still hurts ,
people think that undertakers have no feelings . We are normal people too
with feelings " , said Percy .
"Yes , undertakers do have feelings " , echoed Bill . Bill was almost a
professional mourner as he attended so many funerals , it had started as a
kind of hobby , then became almost a way of life if you can use such a
phrase , but way of life it had become for Bill , after all he had to fill
his hours now that he was retired .
"I suppose you're right , I just didn't think , but you do look sad ,
Percy " , said Patrick trying to read Percy's face for emotion .
"Well there is something else , my son Andy wants to leave the business ,
he wants to go into computers of all things . He saids it is the future ,
I even bought him an Atari 1040 , I thought it was some Jap car when he
said he was saving for one . I got him a fancy printer and terminal too .
I hoped he'd get sick of it then stay in the business. We've been in the
businees for five generations , over one hundred years. "
"Perhaps , he is right about computers " ventured Patrick .
"Computers the future , computers my arse . Can a computer bury you , if
computers are so clever and do more with less and less men , then
eventually computers won't need people , and where will we be then ? "
said a bitter Percy .
Patrick was shocked , Percy was hurt to the very core , he was normally
so calm and collected like a doctor , but here at the counter in Mark's
cafe sat a sad unhappy man . Patrcik tried to look on the bright side .
"But did he do any good on this computer thingy" . he asked tentatively .
"Well he put thje accounts and stock control on it . It is very easy to
use " , Percy grudgingly admitted .
"So computers do have their uses " , said Patrick trying not to be
triumphant .
"But there's more . Rob my nephew wants to be made a full partner or
he'll leave too . He even hinted that he'll set up his own business to
rival mine ."
"Well , at least Bill will stick with you " , said Patrick trying to draw
some comfort into the situation .
"Well we are stuck with each other , since I saved Andy's life" , said
Bill as he sipped his tea .
"Pardon , you saved Andy's life ! " , said an amazed Patrick .
"I thought everybody knew " , said Bill looking Patrick straight in face
"It's the first I've ever heard of it " , said Patrick his eyebrows still
raised in surprized .
"Well , I was walking past Percy's one day and Andy was crossing the
road, as he crossed a lorry passed by on the other side , it went over a
crushed cola can and sent it flying . Flying straight into Andy's leg ,
Andy fell straight on his back in agony , just at that moment another lorry
was coming down the road , but on Andy's side . "
Percy interrupted to finish the story ," If Bill hadn't stepped into the
road and pulled Andy out of the road he would have been killed " .
"And all because of a litter lout " ,said Patrick shaking his head in
amazement .
"Well , it was nothing really " , said Bill now slightly embarrassed .
"I gained a friend , and Bill a chance to wear his suits " , added Percy.
"I used to work in a gents outfitters " , explained Bill .
Patrick shook his head at how strange fate was , and the three were still
musing on the subject when Roger creeped up behind them .
"I've worn out my pen , booking all your cars " , Roger proclaimed like a
seven year old prince in a play .
Percy spun around . "That wouldn't surprise me , you little sod ! "
"But you haven't have you ? " asked Patrick .
"Only doing my duty ! " said an indignant Roger .
"He booked my hearse last week the little sod ! " said Percy turning his
back on Roger and ignoring him .
"But you know why I'm here ? " teased Roger .
"We don't care just get lost ! " , said Percy over his shoulder .
Patrick put his arm around Roger and led him away from Percy towards the
far end of the counter . Patrick winked at Mark , who poured Roger a tea ,
only it was a tea Big Sid style . Roger accepted the cup with thanks and
downed it almost in one . Patrick and Mark exchanged glances as Roger's
face changed colour and Roger held onto the counter .
"Why is are you all moving ? I feel quite strange , I've never felt like
this before . " , slurred Roger .
"You better sit him down before he falls down , the strongest thing he
usually drinks is ginger beer ." , smiled Mark .
"Oh I do feel really strange , I'm all hot but I'm shivering too " ,
slurred Roger , while looking at a Patrick who seemed to him to be
bouncing on a trampoline .
"It's ok you've just been working too hard , its all those streets , you
walk too much in your job " , said Patrick trying hard not to smile .
"As I was about to say , the reason why I'm really here is that I've an
message for somebody " , said Roger slurring his best amateur dramatic
voice .
"Who's that then . You haven't come in to tell Percy you've booked his
hearse have you ? " , said Patrick now unable to hide his smiles .
"No , for Mathew , his mother wants him home to chop some firewood " ,
said Roger with great effort before slumping onto the table .
Patrick looked at the slumped Roger then looked back at Mark behind his
counter , they both shrugged shoulders and laughed at the same time .
Percy turned around to see what was the course of the fresh laughter ,
seeing the slumped Roger a broad smile broke on his face .
"Oh good , perhaps the little sod's dead , booking a hearse I ask you " ,
he said shaking his head in disbelief at the very idea of it .
Patrick decided that action was called for so he went along the counter to
where Mathew was sitting , who having finished his milkshake was wiping
the bubbles out of the glass with his finger .
"Roger , had a message for you Mathew , your mom wants you home to chop
the fire wood . "
"Ok , Patrick I'll go " , Mathew replied as he licked the last bubble from
his finger .
"Oh , there's just one thing more " , added Patrick .
Then looking around like a conspirator Patrick lent close and whispered in
Mathew's ear .Mathew smiled then giggled , the bubbles from the milkshake
froathing on his lips . Then with a wave at Mark , Mathew strolled over to
where Roger was and picked him up like a sack of spuds and threw him over
his shoulder then headed for the door . Roger woke up and started to
protest saying .
"Put me down you overgrown twit , I'm a government official , show some
respect . "
Percy laughed at the sight , looking back at Patrick and nodding his
approval , Patrick just shrugged his shoulders and bowed deeply before
laughing loudly . Mark was at Patrick's side a question on his lips .
"What did you tell Mathew to do ? "
"I told him to leave him on the police station steps , of course . "
"You're a cruel bastard sometimes " , said Mark before disolving into
laughter .
"I'd never do anything against Mathew , never " , protested Patrick .
"I don't mean him I mean Roger " maintained Mark .
"Didn't you catch what Percy said ? "
"What ? " said Mark half expecting a punchline .
Patrick took Mark by the elbow and led him over to where Percy and his
Bill his "professional" mourner were sitting .
"Can you tell Mark what Roger did ? "
Percy who was sipping his tea whinced , as if the tea was cold before
starting .
"He only booked a hearse . A coffin with a deceased was in the back too .
Andy was out on a collection , when he ran out of petrol . So he parked
then left a note on the windscreen saying he'd gone for petrol . Only
when he got back Roger was sticking a ticket on . "
"You are joking aren't you ?" , said a disbelieving Mark .
"There's more . " chipped in Bill .
"When Andy pointed out the note , Roger just pointed to the double yellow
lines . Andy said he should have pushed the hearse till it was off the
lines . Then Mr Government Official Roger agreed ! " , said Percy the words
government official soundingh like swears .
Percy had some more tea to curb his anger .
"Roger said , he'd seen that trick before , he even said that the hearse
could be part of a plan to rob the bank " , said Percy the vein in his
forehead starting to throb .
"Roger has got even more fanciful since he started the amateur dramatics "
, mused Mark .
" Have you paid it yet ? " enquired Patrick .
"No but what can I do ? " said a frustrated Percy .
"Well there is a solicitor on my milk round I could ask her ? " , ventured
Patrick .
"If you like , I just wish I could strangled the little sod sometimes ,
he gets right up my nose " , sighed Percy , before he blew his very large
Roman nose .
Patrick and Mark exchanged furtive smile , before Mark added .
"Even if you did stangle him , it would only mean more work for yourself . "
Percy was silent for a moment , before he cottoned on then laughed
heartily .
"Well that's cheered me up anyway . "
"Where was Mathew taking Roger by the way ? " , asked Bill .
"Oh , I told him to leave Roger on the police station door step " said
Patrick savouring every word .
"That'll teach the little sod . " , said Percy satisfied that justice had
been done . "Well I better be going back to the firm " .
Percy got up with Bill in toe , both looking immaculately dressed as
usual , Percy of neccessity for his business and Bill of habit borne out
of a lifetime of working in mens outfitting .
Most of the mourners had left by now , only the stragglers remained .
Patrick helped Mark tidy up a little , as Patrick piled the plates on the
counter Mark teased him .
"Someday you'll make somebody a nice little housewife . "
"Not you as well , is the whole bloody street trying to marry me off ?"
"You are the only single man left . I mean at your age you should be
married and be thinking of kids . "
"I'm only 32 ! "
"Well that's a good age , I mean old Prince Charles said 30 was a good age
, didn't he ? " . said Mark as he stacked the dirty items behind the
counter.
"I agreed , but if it happens it happens , if it doesn't it doesn't . "
"What about you and Tracy you both seemed suited ? " , said Mark stopping
his stacking .
"Well , she insisted that we live in a house and not the flat above the
bakery . " , sighed Patrick , the memory of what might have been still
pained him .
"That all . "
"One or two other things but that seemed to be the straw that broke the
camel's back " , said Patrick as he passed the last of the cups over the
counter to Mark .
Mark picked up the basket and took the crockery into the back for the
washing later . Patrick was still staring into space moments later when
Mark returned .
"Oh by the way what's this I hear about you picking up a hitchiker - on a
street corner ! " , smirked Mark .
"Pardon , what ? " stuttered Patrick not quite sure what Mark was leading
to .
"The other night when you came home from that dance , alone . " said Mark
as he flicked at the crumbs on the counter .
"I don't know what you mean . " said Patrick through clenched teeth .
"That's not what I heard " , replied Mark his eyebrows almost forming a
question mark .
"Well I just did somebody a favour . " , said Patrick looking at the
ground , trying to avoid eye contact .
" She was very attractive , I heard , you both had a Chinese from Kang's
too " , continued Mark , his eyebrows making more question marks .
"Well , what's wrong with that , I don't have to answer to you do I " ,
said Patrick now glaring at Mark .
"No , certainly not " , said Mark his eyebrows arched innocently .
"Well then ! "
"But perhaps you'll have to go to confession . " , mused Mark .
"Who started this rumour ? " , demanded Patrick .
"Amjit , of course . But I suppose it’s an improvement on what you were like as a teenager " , said Mark trying to look as innocent as a monk .
“How do you mean ,” asked Patrick wiping his nose on his sleeve as he’d ran out of handkerchiefs
“You remember your 18th Birthday , you were trying to prove you were a man , only you ended up chatting up a man ,” Mark smiled at the memory .
“Don’t you people ever forget ,” hissed Patrick , as he reached for some left over whiskey and poured himself a measure .
“Hello Luv , want to help me celebrate , was that the chat up line ?”
Patrick just closed his eyes to forget it , and to enjoy the whiskey .
“Then her boyfriend appeared , so what did you say . Let me think , “are you the boyfriend” and he’d just kissed her on the mouth and all .”
“I was young and I WAS PISSED” replied Patrick
“Oh let me me try and remember what happened next ,” Mark was warming to his story , “oh , I know you asked “are you really the boyfriend” and he replied “not likely mate I’m a POOF call my Antoinette” I think I dropped my pint then I was laughing so much , but as for you Patrick you thought it was a green light to chat her up . So you dragged a stool and set next to her with your back to her “poof friend Antoinette” , you must have spent 20minutes trying to chat her up , we all just laughed and had another pint .
“I was young and I was pissed ,” Patrick repeated .
“Then it got interesting , she said she was not a she but a he who’d just had the operation to make her a she , from a he . A transexual so to speak ,” Mark leant over the counter to grin at Patrick .
“It was an easy mistake to make , she was so pretty ,” muttered Patrick defensively
“So you felt her thigh , and you were about to feel her bum put Antoinette slapped your hand and said “naughty boy” . What was going through your brain addled mind I’ll never know .”
“I was young and I was pissed,” intoned Patrick as if it was some prayer .
“Luckily we decided to move on to the next pub , or God Knows what might have happened . Only you decided to give her a big juicy kiss on the lips .”
“Don’t remind me ,” Patrick sighed .
“Well , I’ll let you into a secret Patrick , It was an April Fools Joke , you were the April Fool on your own birthday .” Mark laughed and laughed , finally the truth was out .
“What , what ,” spluttered Patrick .
“I lost my coat in all the laughter , so I had to go back to O’Niels’s bar by the Hippodrome , and they called me over to tell me ,” Mark laughed even more .
“All these years and you told nobody , letting everybody think I’d chatted up a man , I mean a woman , a woman/man , a a a a ,” Patrick spluttered .
“Oh I did tell somebody , I told Amjit and then he told everybody else in the street , its just that we never got around to telling you , besides we’ve had years of fun teasing you about it .” Mark laughed again a deep deep laugh .
“I better be off then ,” said Patrick through his teeth .
“ Amjit loves a good story ,” laughed Mark
"Amjit of course . " , echoed Patrick as he left the cafe without
turning to say goodbye .
"Aren't you going to say goodbye ? " laughed Mark .
Patrick waved goodbye , using two fingers .
