Cleaning Force ©
By
Michael Casey
Henry was small and his mother constantly worried about him, he’d get hurt, or bullied or people would just fall over him. She’d lost her husband, he was small and bald and ran away with a tall girl with an impossible chest. What she saw in him she’d never know, he only came up to her chest, so obviously that’s what he saw in her. Until Henry’s mum checked her bank balance, her bastard husband had stolen her inheritance and ran away with the enormous chest. All she had left was £1000 she’d hidden in a shoebox under the stairs, just as Ken Dodd had done, but he was a comedian. Now that was all she had left.
As she was taking her Henry to get his school uniform, he’d managed to get into a grammar school, now she was just a fool, with no more money apart from what was in the shoe box. Then fate took a hand, her Henry stumbled and fell at a crowded crossings, he would have been killed, and all she would have left of her marriage would be an empty shoe box. But a smelly and fat and scruffy man appeared, from nowhere, dragging Henry behind him. Den was a cleaner just finished at the bookies, dragging his tool behind him, Henry the dustbin like vacuum cleaner. So Den had appeared and filled a vacuum, he had dived and saved his vacuum’s namesake from being hit by a Hearse or rather Funeral car. Though his Henry was hit by the hearse, on its way back from the Crematorium. Ashes spilt everywhere as the mourners held the Ern on their lap.
Den picked up Henry, he asked her is your son OK, he asked repeatedly. The Hearse parked, they did not want to create their own trade, kill them then bury them. Inside the Funeral car, laughter galore. The deceased wanted his ashes scattered over a lap dancer, and indeed they were. Big Dick the lap dancing king had all the girls at his funeral, now all of him was all over them. In death as in life. Brian, his accountant lowered the window, is everybody alright? We are looking for a cleaner actually, here take this for your trouble, and the pair of you can start tomorrow. Den and Henry’s mum had been anointed and appointed with ashes to be the new cleaners at Big Dick’s.
£1000 in big red fifties, and a business card. Richard’s Gentleman’s club, but known as Big Dick’s to everybody. So that’s how Henry got a new dad, and his mother a new business opportunity. You see yes Den was dirty, and fat and smelly too. But he did like children, he just proved that, so Maureen, for that was Henry’s mum name. So soon they’d be couple. So Den and Maureen became the cleaners, and they were good at it. Brian bought them some Dysons, they only had the best at their Gentleman’s Club. But they couldn’t leave Henry at home alone, so Brian said bring him along he can sit in my office. So, it was decided, this was Life with Brian. Maureen and Den made sure it was not dirty, while Henry did his homework. Brain helped him with his maths, and he soon became the man, like an uncle. Henry felt secure, while his mum cleaned and vacuumed with Den he could do his homework, on a Laptop of course, it was a Lap dancing club after all.
So, the years progressed Den and Maureen were happy. Den only had eyes for Maureen and she showed him things for his eyes only, while they watched Bond on tv. Henry got a good education too, he got used to naked ladies, and could tell from 20 yards what type of cosmetic surgery they were had. It was a toss-up as to whether he did Accountancy or Medicine, Brian said do Medicine but you’re so smart you could do Accountancy and Medicine, and if you then do Cosmetic Surgery the money would come rolling in.
So that’s how it turned out. Henry took accountancy early, he had his degree in that, before he started the other. Then he applied to Cambridge for Medicine, which rotates on interview. So, there was Henry, having his interview with the Dons. Tell us about yourself. Well I’m Henry from Old Forge and Singing Anvil in the Black Country. My dad ran way with a large chested whore, after stealing all my mum’s inheritance. That’s what mum says, but God is good. I was nearly killed by a hearse only Den my new dad jumped and grabbed me. But another Henry died in my stead. Henry the vacuum cleaner. However, it’s an ill wind that blows no good, as the funeral party were carrying the ashes of a dearly loved man, and the ashes went everywhere all.
The Dons looked mortified, and were about to stop him, was this Henry taking too much E. But Henry continued, so mum and my new dad got a job as cleaners at Big Dicks, or should I say Richard’s Gentlemen’s club. That’s where I learnt all about accountancy and naked ladies. The Don’s had had enough, FAIL. I should say I did not want to show off, I have all the science A levels, but I did not put the Accountancy degree on my UCAS form. REALLY, Really, Really the dons said unison, sounding like Jon Sopal about to flip. Outside there was a racket, so the Dons got up to look out the window. Brian had got out of the Rolls Royce Silver Shadow, his chauffeur was holding door for him. The chauffeur was of course a lap dancer straining out of a uniform. The quad was packed, the Dons looked down. Henry paused I hope Brian isn’t disturbing you, he gave me a lift, he wanted to test out his new car, he changes them more often than a lap dancer changes her thong.
The Dons, returned to their armchairs, well I suppose we could offer you a place, under-privileged and all that. Henry smiled, I’ll be a good student I promise. He did not tell them that Brian wanted to leave his money to a university when he died, that would be a bit premature. But Brian had lived a life and wanted respectability in Death.
TO BE CONTINUED. …..
