JANUARY 3RD, 2015 16:08
The House © a story for children of all ages
my daughter asked me to write a children’s story so here’s what I’ve written so far, any children's publishers out there do get in touch
The House ©
a story for children of all ages
By Michael Casey
Pretentious Preface
Sorry for being Pretentious but my small daughter, Eve asked me to write a book for children. I told her I’d written 100s of stories about children, but she said she wanted stories FOR children. I blame Roal Daol and David Walliams for being just too good and influencing her too much. So I will be trying my best to produce something just for her and for children of all ages. So that is why I’ve put a pretentious preface. Now on with the book, it’s 3rd January 2015 and its cold and damp and my 3 girls have gone to London to meet a Shanghai cousin. So I have a few hours peace, just me and Arthur in the house, as I begin my tale…..
One
I suppose I should tell you just who is Arthur is, he is not real, he is not a ghost either, though he does make me scream. Arthur is in fact a pseudonym, which is a big and difficult word to spell. Ok, it’s a pen name, or a nom de plume, but not la plume de ma tante if you are doing French at school. Arthur is in fact a disguise, it’s a name for a BASTARD, go and ask your grannie should you be reading that word at your age. If she says it’s ok then please continue reading. If you no longer have this book then maybe you’ll be allowed to read it next year.
Well grannie it looks as if I’m writing for grannies now and not children. Though if I reveal that Arthur is the name I call my arthritis then I know you will agree with me that Arthur is a BASTARD. If you are laughing grannie maybe your granddaughter can have her book back now? I’ll try and be civil with my tongue, your granddaughter will let you know if I say any more bad words further along in the book. I don’t think I will as my wife would throw Bibles at me, we have 4 in the house, some are even in Chinese. And you have your own special words for your own arthritis, and what I said is holy by comparison.
Ok, so we are back together again children, but at least you know how gran feels and why she smells funny. It’s the liniment and spray she uses for her own Arthur, which can be confusing as her husband is called Arthur. So when she is cursing her Arthur she is not cursing her Arthur, but her Arthur. I hope that is crystal clear for you. One tip though, tell her Movelat is fast working and has a better perfume than Deep Heat.
Talking of perfume why do old ladies use too much perfume? It’s to cover the aroma of Deep Heat, this is obvious, even a child as young as you will know that. I’m being to sound like Lemony Snicket, if you have read his books you will know what I mean, if you haven’t read him yet then you are in for a treat.
Sorry for the pause, oh you did not notice, well I went to the kitchen for a cup of tea, I have to keep my mouth lubricated as I talk to you. But I’m reading, stupid, you calling me stupid and I’m sat here in a cold house with just my Arthur for company. I’m going to ignore you and finish my tea, I may not bother talking to you again with that kind of attitude.
See I’ve started a new paragraph, left you abandoned on a raft of a paragraph, so you can’t me stupid any more. I’ve even put my tongue out at you, oh no, I’ve just spilt hot tea down myself now. You don’t think of all the trouble the writer goes to, do you. There you are just a selfish reader, I should make you give the book back to your gran.
Ok, another new paragraph now, I’ve calmed down and changed my clothes, but there is a damp patch on the carpet in front of the computer. What I was trying to say was that a good book should be a conversation, a talk, a chat. You are not reading you are listening, that’s my style. If you have to get a dictionary out after every other sentence then it’s not fun. Though it does expand your vocabulary.
