Against the Clock

Against the Clock ©

By Michael Casey

I’ve not tried this before, honest, trust me I’m a concierge, or so I was, it’s almost 12 years since I started there. I got a new job on the Monday and my dad died on the Saturday.  Now I don’t need to cry any more, what I really was going to say is that I’m going to try and write a new story before Midnight. Then my time is up. Its 11.05 pm now, on your marks get set go.

Stories have a life of their own, you start somewhere then the wind blows you somewhere else. We’ve just watched Pirates of the Caribbean ,  so that was all about tides, and as  we all know Time and Tide does not wait for no man. Work expands to fit the time available, that’s a law of economics, my brother did do economics, he told me that once, so it must be true.  I past that gem on to my daughter so she uses her time on the computer quickly and effectively. She will take all night if I allow it, time management is a very important lesson to learn in my book.

My Latin teacher Mr Procter used to tell us to do 40mins translation as homework.  However   as Latin is so hard, I always did 90mins, to pretend I only did 40 mins.  Time is a strange thing,   if you are waiting time does drag, if you are enjoying yourself it does pass quicker. A concierge will enjoy conversation with all comers, but part of the concierge role is to fill time while guests are waiting for friends or taxis. And to know when to shut up when guests’ friends arrive.

I still believe that my life has not begun, I’m 55 now with a wife who looks 25, she’s a Shanghai girl, and our bilingual daughters are 10 and 12. I want a book tour and my stories on the radio everywhere,  then I’ll think my life has begun. Yes, I may be in my box with pennies on my eyes before that happens, but I’ll keep on trying.

You cannot beat the clock, life is what it is and what will be will be, or should I say Que Sera Sera, films are a great way to pass the time. We watch so many in our house, my daughters will work in film is some way.  Film reviewers or writers or costume makers  or all of the above. In the advert breaks we discuss this and that in the film. Tonight it was music in Pirates of the Caribbean, not a deep intellectual conversation, they are 10 and 12 after all, but how music works in film. Both daughters are in the choir and have piano lessons, one daughter is doing a Deans award. So they do already know about the beauty and skill in music, thanks to Betty their 84 year old  music teacher.

How you use the time you have is important too, yes there can be fallow times, but quiet times do recharge the batteries.  Then once the starter’s gun goes you can have a vast outpouring of creativity, ask any musician. Churchill had his wilderness year, but he did make up for it.

We all work at different rates, at different skill levels. Some may be chefs with amazing knowledge and skill,  I did pass through the kitchen on my security patrols when at CPNEC Birmingham. I did get to talk to the lads too, and best of all taste their food. So chefs are gods, even if I tease them, they told me they lived on biscuits and never cooked at home.  A chef will prepare for hours so that we can enjoy an almost sexual experience, closing our eyes and consuming or consummating food.

Life is short and we may not get the time to enjoy a friendship, somebody you only spoke to only a few times, and then they were gone, or job changes meant you never spoke again.  I have a friend I have not seen in years as our paths diverged, but if ever we stumble over each other again, I know it will be a great Stella Artois occasion. Another friend has been a friend for 44 years, and perhaps I don’t appreciate how lucky I am to have this friend. He’ll groan if he ever reads this.

Life and time and friends are precious, you can meet old friends and the conversation continues, as if it’s just two seconds since you last spoke. That’s why it’s so important to enjoy the moment, don’t waste time on negative emotions, you owe me 2 quid from 10 years ago, so I hate you. I got a load of grief from a kid in school for a full year. Why? Because I beat him by 9 points when all of us added all  the exam results up to work out who was top of the class. How petty can you be?  I could reveal  horrible  facts about him, but I won’t waste my breath or spit as they say in China.

I’m looking at the clock now 45 mins to reach here. So I’ll read from the top and think of an ending. Well to end in 5 minutes, what shall I say. Use the clock don’t fight against it, I was able to visit my dad for 1 hour before work, every working day, and then go to work. This was great use of time.

 I also spent years talking to him when I lived at home and when I’d left home. I’d come for the dinner and then go home. Some call this quality time, or even multitasking. I just know that I loved him, we were more like brothers. And that is the greatest use of anybody’s time. Spend time loving your parents. It was  the Feast of the Holy Family today, and time with family  is the greatest use of time, and its Midnight now.

Sleeping Beauty

Sleeping Beauty ©

By

Michael Casey

Sleep is a great thing, it’s a form of food, an hour before twelve is better than 2 after. We all recite this as we encourage our kids to go to bed, and then  again in the morning when they cannot get out of bed. Sleep is good, it’s a bear necessity, just ask  Baloo from the Jungle Book. With a good night’s rest we can face any dawn.

Lack of sleep makes us very grouchy without any Marx, it leaves bad marks on our day, on all our interactions, we are not fully switched on. So a good night’s rest is better than any medicine. So how do you get ready for bed? Some say exercise before bedtime makes us tired so that we fall asleep quickly.

Switch all those gadgets OFF, don’t fill our mind with rubbish, or work, or anything. Perhaps we should all listen to the Book at Bedtime. Or a bit of passion to wear us out before bedtime.  A cup of cocoa  or any other metaphor,  or just the real thing, a cup of cocoa, or ovaltine, whatever warm drink you prefer.

So you are all ready for bed, then you must have a cosy bed to lie in. Soft pillows and enough blankets. When I grew up duvets were not invented,  yes we did have one eiderdown in the whole house, buy blankets were king. In winter we’d all have 5 or 6 blankets, and they were so heavy, you could hardly breathe.

Then there was no central heating either, a sheet of ice would be on the windows in the morning. Double glazing had not been invented either. And if you wanted the toilet in the night, you would have to go outside.

A bed would have rubbish mattresses on them, nothing compared to today. And they were all stripy as were the pillows,  like prison issue, black and white stripes. I did treat myself to a nice bed and mattress when I moved home, and  a duvet too. Becoming middle class I supposed.

Once in bed sleep leads to dreams, your own private cinema in your head, though Salvador Dali seems to be the projectionist. Strange dreams, nice dreams and nightmares too, my latest dream had me teaching again, I don’t know what classification of dream that is. Though using my books as teaching tools is a kind of dream I now having, a waking dream, a hope.

You wake up and then you cannot get back to the same dream, or when you awake you forget the dream. Why do we forget dreams, is it a rule, a law of bedtime, only Peter Pan can remember dreams, he is a dream pirate.

If you are very lucky you sleep through the night, and awake refreshed, I wonder is this a rarity in today’s world. Shifts and stuff challenge the natural rhythm, we get up in the dark and go to work. Cave men only lived in daylight, they followed nature.

One job I had was the graveyard shift, 6pm to 2.30am, I’d wake up my taxi driver and then get home by 3am, I’d never be in bed till 4am. Though I did discover that this time aided reproduction. It took me 3 months to deprogram  my body so I slept when I went to bed  and not stay awake for hours till 4am chimed. Though I then automatically woke up at 4am instead.

Sleep and a good bed are essential, it’s what makes us civilised, and children of all ages just love bouncing on beds. Watching a child’s joy as they count the bounces on a new mattress is such a great thing. So tonight when you go to bed and before you snuggle down like Baloo the bear, just do one thing for me, bounce on your bed.

2013 Report Card

2013 Report Card ©

By Michael Casey

Well this may be my last piece of writing for 2013, so I may as well copy everybody else and write a report card. This year has been the most painful in my life, Arthritis came a calling. I did hurt my back a few years ago then at intervals I had back pain.  One period resulted in me being confined to bed for a week and screaming a lot, so the neighbours wondered why.

This year in March my left thigh hurt, it didn’t get better. Finally after 2 Xrays all was revealed, I had a hip problem and 2 “thingys” at the bottom of my back weren’t having much fun either. Then I saw a surgeon, Arthritis and hip replacement were mentioned. In the end I had a cortisone injection which should look after the pain for a year.

Arthritis is a bastard though, you have it here and you  have it there, you cannot sleep on this side or that side and then you get pain somewhere else as you are sleeping in a new funny position. Then there are the painkillers. My mother had arthritis, she had buckets of pain killers which she never took, just stockpiled over the pantry door. Very occasionally she gave in and had a pill.

I’ve decided not to have any painkillers, as they’d just destroy my organs and I’d turn into Michael Jackson. So I wait till the pain almost makes me scream, and then I squirt gel and rub that in. Kicks in in about 5 mins.

Arthritis is as unpredictable as the weather, so my hip may not hurt but it’s the turn of someplace else to hurt, back or shoulder or any other joint. Speaking of joints I heard that some people use joints for pain relief, I never have or would as I hate smoke of any kind. I am an Arthritis Virgin compared to some of the people I have met, so I hope if any of you read this you may understand just what your Nan or teacher or old Mr Jones in the street is going through.

2013 saw Facebook die on me, I may have upset MZ, or I think I was hacked, as my location was North South East West and any other place, where I never have been, I was even in Westminster Hall, and outside Downing St, and in USA, at Palo Alto where all the Tech companies live, I was even in the White House. So were Assad and North Korea’s boy trying to find me and my ISP hiding me. It also had the wrong browser when I checked my details on FB. So this Panzi, this Fat Fat Boy, as is my Chinese nickname, what my wife calls me to her mother, is dead to Facebook.

LinkedIn is useful for making connections, so I’m trying that, I’m waiting to meet my big business partner. My writing can be used for a variety of things. You can just read and laugh. Or you can use my stuff to teach English as a 2^nd language, I was an Esol teacher, 2 excellents and an exemplary, yes really. You could even use my writing to teach customer service, I was a concierge in a 4star business hotel for 3 years.

So 2013 has been a game of two halves, pain and hope. Sounds like some bondage game, and no I’ll leave that to Dr Who, if you have seen the Christmas show. You must always put pain to one side and enjoy life as best you can. So long as I can type then Arthritis will never win. I’m able to bore, irritate my readers, well just the DT ones. The others I hope enjoy the tales I tell.

2013 saw me spend more time with my daughters, as a housfrau, making more of their meals, as my wife worked more. For my daughters a change from rice with everything was a small blessing. Shanghai/Birmingham blood means they follow Chinese diet 90% of the time. As well as food there is TV.

Sharing TV favourites with your daughters is great, it’s a bonding experience. Though schoolwork comes first and TV second. We enjoy films together too, so if they become 21^st Century Barry Normans I will be happy. Though some Disney shows are dire, with a really horrible laughter track, does Disney know laughter tracks are hated in UK, ok, maybe just by me.

Getting daughters to spent less than an hour in the shower, as you scream through the door. “ The Electric Bill, The Electric Bill” Just like Kenneth William in a Carry On film. This is one of the many things you learn as a housfrau. That and going out to get them chocolate or chips from the corner shops, if you cannot buy your daughters these things then you don’t really love them. That’s how daughters “blackmail” dads, and no dad would want it any other way.

So how should I finish my 2013 Report Card?  Love your daughters love them lots, and then they’ll visit you often in the old peoples home, and then they will bring you, chocolate and chips. Happy 2014 everybody.

Serendipity

Serendipity ©

By

Michael Casey

Serendipity is a tricky word to spell, especially if you are tired and your back aches, but serendipity IS part of my life. How I got my first job in computers when they were a new thing, that was serendipity, my brother said “try computers” and I applied for one job and then hey presto I had 22 good years earning good money.

My mother’s death was unexpected and how our dad survived his major heart attack 8 weeks later was miraculous in the words of the priest. Though dad did stay 12 weeks in hospital and was given just a week to live and they would not revive him if he had another heart attack. However I do know how to pray, I wrote all about it in Padre Pio and Me.

The serendipity bit was meeting my wife in the old people’s home, and dad did live long enough to see us wed and to hold our daughter in his arms. So I do love serendipity. It is part of my life.

Discovering writing and the fact that I could write was serendipity again, however finding publishers/producers is the hard bit, writing IS easy, selling your stuff, now that is next to impossible. Though today I’ve gone through the 13,000 views mark for a post on funny or die. So 22^nd Dec 2013 is a red letter day.

I’ve been writing short pieces of writing for a few years now, which means I have 500 plus shorts, which are funny in themselves, and those which are not comic pieces are interesting and intelligent. So I’ve made collections of them on Amazon Kindle,  I have six books in total. I could finish Tears for a Butcher my 7^th book, that would take the whole of 2014 to do, in fact the 1^st chapter is on funny or die and it’s that which has earned 13,000 views.

So what I need next is some serendipity to help sell my books of shorts. I have recorded 127 short stories, 6 hours 50 mins,  and put them on www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com  As I was an Esol teacher I know students of English would enjoy some light reading, so a book with a cd and a translation would work. So students Listen, Read and Learn English with Michael Casey, you could have a translation on the facing page in Spanish/Chinese/Arabic/Urdu/Korean/Japanese or whatever.

So this is my new angle to sell my stories, I have a comic tale about Santa on my site, perfect for Xmas 2013. I have made a lot of new connections on Linkedin and my hope is that some of them give British humour a try.

I have in fact stumbled on the perfect partner and I hoped they agree and get back to me after the holidays. What attracted you to your wife? Was it her looks and curves? If it was, then you are stupid, because looks fad, laughter lasts. Me, my wife made me laugh, yes she does look like a model, far prettier than a model, but that’s not why I married her. She made me laugh, when we first met, she was in disguise if you like, her pretty was hidden as she said to me. See photos at the end of this piece.

Chance and Luck do play a part in our lives, if I was a lazy unloving son, I would not have met my wife. I visited my dad every single day for 3 years, only then did I meet the future Mrs Casey.

Mark at work once said I was  good stumbler and I suppose I am, but being able to improvise is a good gift too. Wait till you have your kids then you’ll soon learn to be quick thinking, you need eyes in the back of your head to watch for potential danger. Then you need a cot and a playpen and all the other baby stuff.  Luckily for me, my brother had kept all the baby stuff so I kind of inherited it.

As a writer I’ve written about all the stuff we all do with our kids, but hopefully in a really amusing way, so I know everybody who reads my stuff can connect to what I’m writing about. A modern Shanghai/Birmingham Adams family if you like. Some themes are international and eternal, so that when you read and listen to the stories they make you smile and you enjoy learning English, it’s not a chore.

Now all I need is a bit more Serendipity and Bob’s your Uncle, though that phrase may confuse some English students.

The Twelve Days of Christmas in one day? by Michael Casey (c)

The Twelve days of christmas
12pints of Stella Artois
11 bags of crisps
10 packets of peanuts
9  indian currys
8 kebabs
7 fish and chips
6 bottles of cola
5 packets of mints to hide your breath from the wife
4 missed phone calls
3 fallings over
2 bangs on your head
1 unconscious all christmas day in your bed
Merry Christmas Everybody and a Peaceful New Year
michaelgcasey.wordpress.com
michaelgcasey.typepad.com
6 books on Amazon Kindle perfect for hangovers

I want to be on the radio a love stort

I want to be on the radio©

By Michael Casey

Michael was security guard at AllUWant  chain store, he’d been there a number of years, he enjoyed meeting people and helping out. Occasionally he’d have to run when a thief came a visiting, he was not very good at running as he was big, or fat if you want the truth. But he was good at improvising,  he always had a plastic carrier with him. So if a thief came he soon knocked them to the ground, he was a good shot, so he threw the plastic carrier at them. A thief cannot run if his legs are inside a carrier.

So Michael was held in high regard by the owner, the Old Forge and Singing Anvil store had the lowest theft rates in the whole of England. So everybody was happy, but Michael harboured a dream, he wanted to be a radio star. Well not a star, he just wanted a quiet corner to read out his stories, he’d been writing a long time, but nobody knew, apart from the girl at the stationary store where he bought his paper and ink. He’d shown her his stuff and she was his number one fan, if only he’d ask her out, she fancied him something rotten. 

www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com was his site and he’d recorded his stories there.

Doris would lay on her bed and listen to Michael reading his stories, he had 500 of them, she just wished he was lying on the bed next to her. Doris wanted Michael but she was too shy to say. She promised herself that one day she pluck up the courage to tell him

Michael had had a busy day and he’d caught 3 thieves, a family in fact. Sgt. Mulholland had taken them away with a smile. He’d have them playing chess against him while they were in the cells. Michael had managed to bang his head while he captured the thieves, a little blood was running down into his eyes.

Doris had been visiting  AllUWant when she saw the bulk of Michael, her heart skipped a beat, she noticed the blood trickling down into his eyes. Her maternal instincts kicked in, she ran towards him and grabbed him by the arm.

“Michael, you are wounded, let me take a look at that,” she said as she looked into his eyes. She took out her hanky and spat in it, then like a mother she wiped the blood away.

“This looks bad, you need to apply pressure and then put a bandage on,” she chided him. Then taking his hand in hers she led him to the first aid point. Her heart beat more, his heart beat more. Had it taken a beating about the head, for the drumbeat of love to be heard.  They made their way to the office.

“Here sit on the desk and I’ll apply pressure she said,” as she pushed him back on the desk. That push would change both their lives. For accidentally she had switched the tannoy on, the whole of AllUWant would hear everything.

“Let me look at that wound, just apply pressure then I’ll put a bandage on,” she cooed.

“You are really gentle, you’ll make a great mum someday,” replied Michael.

She pushed too much on the wound.

“Oow, “ that hurts screamed Michael, his screams echoing around AllUWant.

“Sorry, but I’d need a boyfriend before I could be a mum,” replied Doris as she looked deep into his eyes.

“I assumed you had one already, I mean you’re a big girl,” observed Michael.

“You saying I’m Fat?” asked Doris indignantly.

“ No, you’re perfect, I mean, I think you’re perfect,” replied Michael starting to blush.

“ I think you’re perfect too, when I listen to your stories on the computer while I lay on my bed at night, I think it would be so much better if you were on the bed besides me. The real thing, and not just a voice on the computer,” replied Doris

Cheers echoed through AllUWant, people had stopped to listen and enjoy an unfolding love story.

“Tell us one of your stories,” pleaded Doris. She had decided, he was going to be hers, she would be a mum, and he would be the dad.

“Which one?” asked Michael his heart beat going faster.  He looked at her and she looked at him, they twinkled even, twinkling said it all. It was like a comet across the night sky.

Michael told a tale or three, people in AllUWant listened, he really was a good storyteller, he actually wrote stories and could tell them so well. The tannoy echoed. Michael and Doris were in love, the urge was upon them.

“Kiss me,” whispered Doris.

“Kiss you where?” whispered Michael.

The whole store looked up to the first aid office, they could see Michael and Doris kissing. They could hear the heavy breathing too, this was true love.

Roger had been on car park patrol, he had a megaphone in his hand. He watched and listened from the store floor, just by the toilet rolls.

“Michael if you and Doris are going to make love, please turn off the tannoy first,” he laughed through the megaphone.

Doris slowly switched off the tannoy, she had Michael where she wanted him.

The next day Michael was summoned to the office, it must be the sack nothing else. Doris was by his side, she’d tell them it was all her fault, it was the urge and so on. Mr Blair was there, things didn’t look good.

“I heard about yesterday, and I only have one thing to say,” began Mr Blair.

“It’s all my fault Mr Blair, I just realised how much I love Michael  I’ve been listening to his stories for months, all 500+ of them.  Every night hearing his voice as I lay naked on my bed. It’s too much, a girl can only take so much, nature is nature,” explained Doris.

Michael realised he may have lost his job, but he had got something better in exchange, he had got Doris, or rather she had him.

“Michael, get a room, in fact just get married, I’m giving you 2 weeks off, I have this cottage in the Virgin Islands, your honeymoon will be there, but don’t make too much noise, Richard Branson is a neighbour,” ordered Mr Blair.

“That’s so generous,” gushed Doris.

“When you come back Michael, there will be changes. I want you to record all 500+ of your stories, we had feedback from the shoppers, they all want to buy copies of your stories, and AllUWant always gives shoppers AllTHEYWant,”  declared Mr Blair.

So Michael and Doris went to the Virgin Islands for their honeymoon, and as they lay naked on their marriage bed, Michael told Doris stories, lots of stories 500 times over.

Santa's stuck up the chimney

Santa is stuck up the chimney ©

By Michael Casey

There’s a noise upstairs, so I push the wife forward, while I watch her back. She grabs here cleavers on the way up the stairs, one Shanghai wife two meat cleavers. She stamps her feet to make noise to frighten the intruder, or is it to boast her courage.

Meanwhile I switch off Phoenix TV and a Date with LuLu, I want to watch the BBC news instead. Upstairs I can hear a scuffle, then a whoosh, 9 reindeer appear at the bottom of out stairs. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder, Blitzen, and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Quickly followed by Santa sitting in his sleigh, with Jing Jie sitting besides him.

I’ll bring your wife a new set of German knives for Christmas says Santa, the Zwilling J.A. Henckels ones, with the picture of the two men on. So smiling JJ sits down and switches back to Phoenix. So I have to play host to Santa.

I get Santa  a cup of  green tea with brown sugar in it, as I mention brown sugar Santa starts to dance, he’s a very old Rolling Stones fan. He got Charlie Watts a new drum kit ten years ago, Charlie had worn it out with too much Jazz. Santa just adores Jazz too. Keith Richards got an Atomic Rooster pace maker, how else could he do the 50^th anniversary shows.

Mick Jagger got a re-tread for his lips, and some new knicker elastic, with all his moves he needed it. The other one, he got a Donny Osmond album, his musical tastes are mind blowing eclectic after all,  just listen to his show if you don’t believe me.

As Santa enjoyed his tea the reindeer grazed on our carpet, we hope to replace it soon, so I wasn’t too annoyed. Besides if we move the glass table it’ll hide the bare patches, won’t it?

Santa looked around casually, “I know what you really want” he said. I nodded “ a new house.” I cannot promise anything said Santa, it is Friday the 13^th after all, maybe a dolls house for your daughter.” I laughed and  drunk my own green tea.

Jing Jie was laughing, Mr Zhou the comedian was on Phoenix, I laughed too, his body language is so funny, no need to understand Mandarin. Santa and the reindeer fell over on the floor laughing, they do of course know Mandarin. It’s the way Mr Zhou tells them, he may have watched a Frank Carson video in the past.

So I asked Santa what he was doing in our loft. Birmingham is so nice nowadays was the reply, the reindeer wanted to eat the plants from the roof of the new library. That’s the real reason the roof top gardens were added, the architect is a friend of Santa’s.

So if you want a visit from Santa make sure you have a plant or two growing on your windowsill, the reindeer do of course adore poinsettia. The reason why poinsettia is red is because Rudolph had an accident and it changed the plant forever, so blame Rudolph.

But why our house Santa? It was the sounds of carols being sung by my daughters, reindeer are attracted to carols, they home in on them. As the girls are in a choir and practice, not to mention Capital radio being on too. It was too much for the reindeer, they fell out of the sky into our house.

So I gave Santa more green tea with brown sugar, as for the reindeer they continued to graze on the carpet. I think I’ll have to move to sofa to cover the bare patch. My wife continued to laugh with Mr Zhou, the reindeer and Santa chuckled too.

It was nearly time for Santa and the reindeer to go, they had to visit a few lonely churches to cheer up the clergy, would people discover faith, hope and love this Christmas. As for our carpet Santa said if I Faith then on Christmas day a new carpet would appear with the book of Kells pattern.

I just hope Santa’s right, otherwise I’ll have to move the sofa.